ellensagh

9. Leap of Faith

Journal # 85 March 9, 2005-July 16, 2005

Wednesday. Staying home from work as I move through a passage. Listening inside, leaving behind loneliness, bitterness, unsureness, sharing with others as I move into my own beingness.
Awake 1:15 am until 4:15 am. Frustration, anger, despair. Dream: Snow, blowing snow; thin ice.
Next day dream: Aboriginal girl at a bus stop. Hurting, bruised, I am trying to help her.
Thoughts: What is love? Love is energy and connectedness. Have thoughts of going out to see Dad, wondering about my aboriginal grandmother history. Where was she from? What Indian Band? What is the history? Is it even true? If dad is one quarter, I’m one eighth, my kids one sixteenth. Seems so remote and yet I’m crying as it seems real in my life. I feel the exclusion. The woman elder I know told me about shaving a red willow; taking the shavings to an elder to ask for a ceremony. I could have a full moon ceremony in my basement. A cleansing for spring.
I’m finding new ways to be a gramma. Today, to the bank and my first $5000.00 line of credit in case I ever need it. Spent the weekend in Prairietown with Dad. Had singing times twice with the people in his complex. We watched shuffleboard, played pool, enjoyed a lunch out and brunch at my sisters. Did not bring up ancestry or what I go through. An enjoyable weekend.
Back home tired and cranky and in the deep.
Trying a new book of affirmations which tells me to focus on what I like about myself so I write it out. I love my get up and go, my endurance, tolerance, ability to see other side of the question; giving, listening ability, ability to create, make things from scratch, baking, cooking, trying new things, risking, dancing ability, that I do take care of myself, that I work hard. Overall I like how I look; my hair color; proportion of my body, my legs, look of my face, my teeth and skin. That makes me cry.
Think of someone doing something nice for me or liking me and I cry. Enough of that.
Went to the ball room dance lesson and danced a waltz with a man. It was like floating and floating and went on for a long time. Thinking about it now has me crying.
Since I went to Prairietown, my nails have been picked at so much they hurt. I am awake for hours most nights. Now today wake up and my hands have been scratching and scratching. There is something so itching to get out.
Part of it is work. The files. The new job is so hard. There is lack of respect. A supervisor interrupted a conversation I was having with a peer which had me saying “ I will speak to you when my conversation is completed”. Gained the co-worker’s respect but scared of the supervisor. There was no reason for him interrupting.
Went to a Saskatchewan Nature Society meeting.
Thought about going to a group called Coming out Spiritually for LGBT. It’s not me though but can see the similarities. Know what it feels like to not feel accepted; to not feel okay about who I am, about not being able to say what I really think. I can now as I don’t have as much to lose. What would I lose now if I speak up? People will stillrespect me. It’s whether I can respect myself. Is respect the word or is it love unconditionally?
I was invited to a couple’s place for supper. They support new refugees to our country who were there as well. The man from the other side of the world shared how he and his wife had been separated by war; how he was reunited with his wife and son after years of hiding, torture, wondering, being held captive and shared what his wife went through; being interrogated. They had both been refugees of different countries of five million and were being moved. They found each other on a street in a different country. As he is sharing, I am seeing this golden white shining aura, the most intense I have seen around anyone, around him. I’d look away and it followed about two feet on each side of him. He kept giving credit to God, calling it a miracle. I give credit to that energetic connection; the essence of each person that is connected to the essence of all that is; the sacredness or the divinity I guess although that word is so hard to use as it links it to religion and so much not okay is happening because of religion.
March 21, 2005 Collage: I am at a place where my dreams have taken flight. I am much more balanced in my own home with a secure job; learning better ways of taking care of myself, knowing I can do anything I want, balanced my masculine and feminine and inside is a freedom as well. Still learning ways to save energy as I continue to grow and be in this world. I am the boss in my life; the authority I have is precious and I use it gracefully. In many ways I am still being the strong, silent type, putting others needs ahead of my own on this journey or evolution I’m on. A journey of ultimate reality. I have the best of all worlds on a sacred level as in each moment as I choose what is right for me and that includes expressing myself, simple beauty, easy style, living with the new and the old. I’ve been touched by time. As I heal the past, I live now in a sense of stillness. I embrace the present; health and fitness. Life is shining. A dance. My on the job training. I’m like a nest of eggs; life giving birth to a new reality again, as I do my best; giving warmth to each situation, investing in me, and in our world as I organize a new start. Pamper myself. The new face is I can express myself easier; slow the intense living, recognize that I deserve the best. Say what I need. Just as it took courage to go back, it takes courage to move on and connect with new. Build quality time in relationship. Connect, have fun, enjoy my learnings, my make and save, revive what was great, beauty and colour, healthy, bright ideas. It’s all about love is all you need. I am in my home and native land.
A friend phones me from another country and when I hang up I’m crying with gratitude as so appreciative of friends.
I like the challenge of this new job but don’t like the conflict or the confusion and crap that goes with it. I am awake so many nights thinking about files. I have to reconcile my ideals of being such a great giving person to this pissed off, frustrated shrew that I am feeling these days.
Reading a book that says the outside world is a reflection of our inner world and that is being mirrored to me in my life. The monk in the book says to pray unceasingly and get a mantra for saying over and over. I think to myself what would I say? And out comes: “ I am that you may be.” What does that mean?
April 10/05 See another aura; pure white and about half inch all around face and head area. Beautiful.
Went to a dance the next night. Disappointing. Won’t spend thirty dollars again unless I have someone who dances to go with.
Felt for so long like I didn’t have a friend and then on the Sunday, fifteen people phoned. Dad phoned; had found a new song called “This is my Homeland” and played it twice for me on the phone. Next day woke up and wrote in my journal “I am alive, I am free. I care. I love. Love is being free.
Fifteen people phoning me on Sunday. Takes a while to comprehend.
Had a few days of feeling I am at One. Wrote: “There is no Self I need to protect, defend or feed anymore. I am One, enlightened.” Had remembrances of experiences I’ve had where I felt there was a bigger picture and wrote:
hearing the messages of birds
Mother Teresa experience; her appearing in my bedroom; her reaching out her hand
energy lines of the trees/ connection I have
flying over the jungle experience
seeing people’s and thing’s aura’s
voice inside “ I am that you may be”
Knowing where a woman’s house is in the city when I never had the address and was able to go right to it.
Felt sense of the Holy Spirit at confirmation
The light inside I experience when I meditate
Stone burning in my hand
Rock changing color
Rock getting from light to heavy
Shape shifting including physical weight loss where clothes slide down
Sat beside a snake as I wrote the “My heart is breaking” song
Taking on other people’s pain and to let them know something – Dad not being able to breathe
Took on someone’s fear – trapped in hallway; and at noon – let it out
Hotel keeper in a Persephone play in total light
Guys’ head – Box of light
Anger energy – feel it hit my gut
Man across street from me says “Where were you”
Lay presider’s body in white light during the prayers for my mom after her death
Woman’s body in blue light surrounding her at my son`s financial adviser class presentation I went to
My aunt – raspberry light around her as she sits on Mom`s bed and tells a story as Mom is dying.
Rarely but have seen people at work in white light
A necklace that bent out of shape.
Wrote in journal “ All relationships are Oneness; are Love.”

Was like I got intense head cold and sinus thing going on. I stayed home from work and wrote and wrote “Yelling for one hour into the pillow helped but has not got to the crux of the matter which is manifesting as burning in my nose; like sinus dripping non stop. What is the matter? I’m crying inside. For what? For all these people. For who? Ones Searching. For what? Oneness. t is their journey. I am here for a reason. So are they. I can share my gifts. I can learn to accept myself unconditionally. Behaviour is something we have done; it is not who we are. Did the best we could at the time with the resources we had. Where am I going with this? Allow my heart to break. When will I take a leadership role again? None is required. I just can be me – who I am at this time in my life. This is quite horrifying how painful life can be, physically manifesting my emotional bitterness; over what’s gone before; money, how hurt the kids are, how many struggles we’ve been through. Reminds me of when I’m really young and how awful children are talked to; like being told to mind their own business; get your nose out of where it needn’t be. Couldn’t do anything right; don’t be curious; don’t touch anything, don’t be silly; smarten up; you don’t know what you’re talking about. Listen to me; look smart there.
Feeling vulnerable; quite shocked at how weak, rotten I feel and unsure what’s going on. I went to aboriginal diversity training at work. The facilitator had everyone putting out the words; the stereotypes of Indians in the room for all to hear. What it did was show us the co-workers who did not see it as stereotypes but said those things believing they were real. And they were to them. Was so bad. Uneducated, disgusting, rude, shocking; hard to put into words; ignorant. Got the stereotypes into the open but was so disturbing to me. I wasn’t able to explain what was happening for me. Another woman who put some of what I was feeling into words had me seeing her and those around her she was addressing in white light. Felt I needed to tell her what I saw and as if so important to do that.
My lips broke out in fever blisters. For days talked to friends to debrief.
Did an exercise about where or how I’ve been:
Birth till 10 years -Learned I’m On my Own; Trust issues; abused; Life takes care of me; my strengths.
10-25 years – awakened sexuality culminating in motherhood; fun in life; there is a time; generational.
25-37 years – Responsibility of a family, work for money, some close to me have no sense of responsibility; realize education key to more money.
37-50 years – Waking up, Remembering, Outrage, Change self; Change for others, Create.
I am All that Is.
Wrote in journal: Know myself as called or chosen. A week or so ago, when my head felt like it was spinning and I heard distinctly “I am that you may Be”, I am now responding with I am here. I am ready to be; to do what needs to happen; keep thinking about my second book. My crying that is happening a lot is like in a singing voice”
Now that I am hearing and acknowledging moving into a time of searching; like I am coming to an understanding of what is needed for me to continue leading an authentic life. My heart is breaking open again. As if in a spiritual crisis and not alone in it. Many are there for me. Mostly I’m connected to the I AMNESS in ALL.
I am having company from England. I buy a TV and DVD. Went to leave my back yard and the woman from the yard behind was selling all her lawn furniture for ten dollars. I gave her fifteen.
I asked the director at Tamara’s House if she could present my Book II as a project to the board asking if they would financially support it. She basically let me know that she personally supports it but would not be going forward with it. I felt again like I don’t matter. Felt better when she phoned back and said would consider taking it forward in July.
Said no to my daughter to getting a second mortgage so she could get a house. She has first permanent job. My son has been over a lot using my computer studying for two exams. I had a skateboard fall; my hip and right hand, but didn’t break them. Went to the Homecoming for the town where I grew up and best part was tenting at a regional park with the kids. Still think about the woman who wants to sell me her diamond ring for twenty five hundred dollars. She went down from five thousand. Think about that ring a lot. Why would I want it? A reminder of what I need for myself. Clarity from the earth. An example for me of all the hard work I’ve done. I deserve good things. Natural.
I know you can have all the material possessions in the world and not be happy. Tamara’s House phones asking me to come talk to the board at their August meeting. Played music with Dad at a woman’s ninety ninth birthday. Debating whether to volunteer at the open door society. Mostly been debating for months whether to phone the editor from my first book.
Went on a four day horse trail ride in Saskatchewan’s grasslands national park. Incredible. All the women there were there for a Christian weekend. Didn’t bother me. I felt same as them even though I didn’t do the bible thing. Saw a blue bird. The first one I’ve seen since I was a kid.

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