ellensagh

164. Here I Am as I Am

            My days and nights are mixed up. I’m happy I’m back in the United States and that our whole four-week trip went well.

            My first knowing I was back in America was the air smelling fresh. There is a heaviness to junglely, humid tropical air. It feels ancient to me. And it is ancient. I saw fourteenth century temples, wats that were so old; older than that; and amazingly, we could walk through them, around them and on top of them.

            I saw huge sleeping buddhas as well as smiling ones; gold ones and ones covered in gold leaf that people are buying and sticking on them; maybe hoping for good fortune as suggested by a sign. This is besides the housing I saw; falling down tin shacks and old, old infrastructure amid new high rises. Those were upscale classy but are every which way. Their street systems are anything but on the square as we see here.

            I am in awe of human kind’s capabilities especially when you think of them striking out ages ago to explore and adapt as they inhabited new lands.

            I am writing these lines as I am saying no to being with the choir this Sunday morning as my sister wanted when she handed me the choir music. It is challenging to say no and to figure out what I am really wanting when I like it all. I knew I hadn’t slept enough, was tired but also knew the song and could probably do it.

            I sat a few minutes on my decision and knew no was the right answer and at that moment, if I could tell you about the power, I’d say it was the new idea that had me grabbing a shawl and being there for the “Holy, holy, holy.”

            It is so good to have things in life you can count on. I knew church starts at 9:15 and the choir sings second. I was out of my house at the exact right time that I could hear it and stay as long as I wanted. As I walked to church, I thought of other things I can count on that have me feeling such gratitude. They include my sister and her husband picking us up at the airport, them putting in new kitchen taps for us while we were gone that were badly needed and doing it without being asked.

            Another was my hearing each word of the hymn “Here I Am Lord”. It was as I remembered and still fits with my philosophy of life.

            Tears poured down my cheeks as the following took place: I walked into the sunlight, smelt the fresh air, as I thought of the birthday card my sister in law painted for me; as I responded to a friends query about how my trip was and I could say I was a little out of kilter but that it was incredible. I went on to see a flitting hummingbird and then a gentleman out picking weeds as he did every day before I left on the trip. I put a Christmas decoration away, started unpacking and thought again with gratitude, how good that I can go, come home and it’s okay to be as I am as I say; “Here I am.”

            And when I was not sleeping all night again, I heard the music in my head; 4 lines and I will sing these lines 3 times: “All I am, All I do, All I seek, I seek for you.”

            Thank you.

                                                            January 22, 2018

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