ellensagh

17. Loving

Journal # 93 – February 10, 2007 – April 12, 2007

Okay with what I have; more than I need is the theme these days. Going through did I matter; will I survive even after I’m dead and gone? Now I believe, yes, we do survive. We survive centuries, millenia, always was, is, will be. All so real. Reality.

DREAM: “ a person; an older man has escaped from underground; from like an upside down home that had bars for windows; I’m cutting up garlic and haven’t got the edge off and trying to get away from this man who has wanted so much. He feels like a giant; as if he is persuing me and I’m running down the street deciding whether to take a shortcut to the left.”

Left sided heart energy happening. Tears when I realize how much this big burly part of me has wanted, needed and is here again.

Took my dad, aunt and my son to my niece’s wedding. Getting away has me thinking about what I want in my life. Am I wanting to create a group of women singing or join another woman starting a drumming group? What will I create in my life next that I feel one of many as I have some deep connection to the earth thing happening?

Have to put myself out there I guess instead of waiting for others to give me what I want but my question is why do I want to be out there? Soul longing to be known; to be one; at one with the universe? Light under a bushel expression comes to mind. All about being who I am; wherever I am.

Took weeks of nights awake in pain; left sided shoulder and groin area holding emotional pain; like a head cold; sinus headache until it all goes away as I cry and cry processing. All this after being with family at a wedding. Go into feelings of, as if doing something wrong, not doing enough, wasting my gifts. Try to change my thoughts to listening inside, that I am growing, developing, unfolding but often in despair, hopelessness and feels like another descent into darkness.

Living dread. Think past generational. See in my mind’s eye a field of dust; like the 1930’s. Grandmother’s time Try sending love, laughter and healing energy to the pain in my body.

A child looking at me said was seeing me with a black eye which I did not have. He said was seeing it and then would look again and would not see it. I explained some people see out of their third eye. It gave validation for the pain I was in all the time with no real idea what was going on.

My daughter sent me flowers at work for Valentine’s Day. How nice is that!

I told a friend about long ago seeing a pure white wolf or what looked like a wolf walk through bush a long side of me and as I told it, crying begins again; about aloneness and longing for oneness; not at peace about something.

Went to a whirling session with my friend. We followed the instructions to begin the session by lying on a yoga type mat while being led through a meditation with Far Eastern Turkish type music; playing in the background. We then placed a round pillow under our spine for the doing of exercises to open our heart. My friend lying on her mat next to me says I shape shifted before her eyes into an Egyptian looking woman. I didn’t want to hear it and in my head was beating myself up for coming to this alternative type dance.

I’m wondering if I’m beating myself up as I’ve been asking myself if I can fit into Wes’s business men type world. Why am I doing the alternative type experiences? Do I want to fit in that bad?

For days had song “Daddy’s Hands” in my head and would have heat coming out of my left hand. I’d ask myself what is happening and like a knowing of stuck gifts. The music in me is being held in place. Wailing would happen if I was alone. For days as I’d walk down the street would have my own music like the songs, “Give me a reason to go on,” and “ I Really want to Live ,to live and love again” run over and over in my head.

Think about offering to lead the group of inner city singers but don’t.

Feb 18, 2007 – Thoughts this morning, “Keep cleaning my aura, recognize my gifts, live the moment, having enough, being enough.” See the patterns. Years before had been asked to lead a men’s chorus. Had been totally shocked. Five men had come to my house. At that time I was scared, overwhelmed, uncomprehending, felt way out of my depth, didn’t understand what they could see in me; thought would never be able to do it or would make a fool of myself. I don’t even read music. Did not do it. Interesting that I go into that again as I think about offering to lead a music group.

Another issue going on these days is realizing I have moved from, “I want someone to want me; and not just need me to I’ve moved to I want them to cherish me.”

The left sided body pain goes on for days. Friends say it’s all about energy; about having the freedom to be one self , to change our mind, our hearts as we need to. Another said to see my life as an experiment and my left side body pain as opening, growing, enlarging with love and light. Blah blah blah is how I feel about it and know I am pissed off that I’m in it; could care less in a way and yet will have thoughts like, “I am unfolding” so I am doing it too.

A psychic disequilibrium someone says. I don’t know if that is what is happening but it’s big and intense. I see a piece of wood and think this is where we came from. Days of an inflamed left knee and then bruising down my left side. Hard to live this way. Thought: Remembering who I am.

Weeks of decisions: like not going to singing with group of women; not writing a speech for International Women’s Day when asked; not going to a full moon gathering; Still have past issues of no one being there for me. Still doing lots of writing; connecting with myself. Was asked to write a letter of nomination for a Spirit award for a non-profit organization that was there for me. In seconds the following two page litany of praise came out about the Sexual Assault Centre.

“To whom it may concern:

I am honored that as a client I have been asked to provide a letter in support of a nomination of the Saskatoon Sexual Assault and Information Centre for the Spirit Award. For fourteen and a half years the centre has been there for me on my healing journey after memories of child sexual abuse surfaced.

I still periodically use the centre for support; as in when I leave work when overwhelmed with feelings of despair, powerlessness and hopelessness or things feel out of control as they did when the abuse happened. In the early years, the centre saw me as often as I wanted to come. Countless times the centre’s staff has seen me for the hour appointment that assisted me to let it out; heal and be able to move on. Where else in society is it okay to wail? I’m thankful they are there. I appreciate that they allow for drop in service. I appreciated that they placed a follow up phone call after my first visit.

Many, many times during the night the volunteers operating the 24 hour crisis line service listening skills allowed me to go to work the next day. An essential service. The hours are good; accessible. They have demonstrated a non-hierarchical practice that works; in that receptionist; executive director; or volunteer might be the next one who listens to me.

The staff has demonstrated a knowledge base of understanding; can quote the research; whether it be when they provided information on victim impact statements,

what a courtroom set up or court process might be like; or about the victim compensation programs. The notices for assertiveness or self-esteem classes, or upcoming groups showcase the alternative resources that are in the community and assisted in my staying out of psychiatric; mental health or doctor’s offices; and off of medication when I was on waiting lists for counseling and had no money. It demonstrates the partnering they do with other service agencies; like sharing public awareness programs with other organizations. They have invited me to break my silence in a respectful and empowering way; allowing me to share my healing journey with others through their centre.

I love that they are out in the school system; that my grandson is getting the benefit of what is and isn’t appropriate or acceptable behaviour. They let the children know about assistance or help in the community; something that wasn’t in place when I grew up and is so necessary. They heal and prevent; and are a safe change agent. We need someone in our community speaking of zero tolerance for violence and abuse through their public awareness and education programs. I see them speaking up for those who can’t.

The centre’s activities such as putting up notices of their services in bathroom stalls let me know that our community; our city; our world cares about me and what happened to me. Their library has been used by extended family members and friends.

The first time I went to the centre in 1992, when I went in to talk to a staff member; my kids sat outside on a hallway floor in a less than adequate downtown office building as no room for them. I am happy that their services now include a waiting room; that my children now would be made to feel comfortable as they were affected by my nightmares, my grief and the time we had to be on social assistance. It is a place to go when I am not feeling safe alone as I was abused when I was alone.

When the healing is happening; the horror of memories/reliving/reexperiencing what happened to me as a child; the staff witness and assist in allowing me to feel now what wasn’t safe to feel then.

I love that they are there long term; as it builds up my trust and it is a touchstone in my healing process. Their holistic approach to healing allows me to bring my emotional; mental, spiritual and physical self.

I can reclaim the joy and fun; the spirit of my child. They deserve the SPIRIT award.

Sincerely, Sharon Speaks

Someone who has been there.

I went for a four and a half hour car ride with a co-worker to the south of the province to see her daughter. Took passport and we did a little jaunt into the States; had some time to myself in a hotel room for meditating; could hear country music coming through the thin walls and thought, “What am I doing here?” Wondering a lot about my purpose.

When I think of Wes coming home from Thailand with gifts for me; bringing me a bunch of things; quite personal things and that he is phoning everyday, wanting to spend more time with me; things have really changed. He came over and fixed a tap downstairs; said it had a lifetime warranty. Since I went to that wedding, thinking there are no lifetime warranties on relationships or are there?

I think of things I want to do and every time wondering about asking Wes. Decide that I will plan to do what I want and if he’s part of it; great and if not, fine too! Do wonder where this is going? Sometimes saying in my mind; I don’t think you are for me; but we do have fun; getting more intimate; sometimes I go into fear and a not knowing what I need in life.

Had an adventure day being gramma; walking along the river; through large snowbanks up to my hips; throwing each other down in the snow and home to playing volleyball over living room chairs.

Did go for the family picture sitting. When it comes I see how in the background I am and quite symbolic of how they are out there in life. How it should be. I am little, insignificant and it’s okay.

Thinking lots about finding voice and yet giving it all up to a universal life force; the Source; the Creator. Learning to live, walking to the beat of a different drummer than most; trying to figure out why my history is so important to me? Is it so I don’t repeat it; or is it about do I matter? Every molecule matters is in my mind.

Living and being comfortable with the Unknown. Still wonder what is my calling? Learning to trust all over again. Debating about dating other men besides Wes. Do I want to? I don’t think so. Made a lot of decisions in last while.

Taking RRSP money out of my bank and transferring it to a different money market as my son learning to be a financial adviser. Taking a large brown envelope; and filling it with the important papers of my life; making a list of important documents in case something happens to me.

Writing the letter about the sexual assault centre; getting the family picture thing with the kids; the amount of work I get done at my full time job; lots compared to others; still lots of driving out in the country first thing in the morning; deep; deep crying; sometimes park under the big electrical towers; can feel and hear the energy from the wires; wonder if it helps or hurts me; I tell myself it is giving me energy.

I redid my picture at the dating service but can’t decide if want to be out there dating. I’ve been saying no to anyone asking. I have been saying yes to yoga once a week all winter. I cried through one whole yoga session and everyone was okay with it. So was I. Sometimes I meditate now and my mind is dead silent for much of the twenty to thirty minutes. Love it. One day I saw my daughter’s aura. Yellow, yellow, yellow. Getting a lot more attention from Wes.

Took ice out of eaves troughs. Sometimes I worry about this old house. I hate having fear about everything. Fear at work I’ll be overwhelmed. Fear at staff meetings that I won’t know how to talk. I hate the vulnerability of it. Think all the night before what I might say; as when I’m there it’s hard to get the words out; feeling like nothing I am saying is making sense.

Have fear but also have a lot of joy. Love being gramma for sleepovers YES. We take the hoe to the end of the street and make little rivers in the melting snow and ice. Felt like a kid again. Wes invites me to airport to meet his brother and sister in law. Thinking it’s near time to invite him to meet my kids.

I have a friend moving back to Saskatoon and she asks if she can stay at my house with me until she can find a job and apartment. Said yes. Wrote: All will be well. My sister had been staying at my house about one day a week so had to let her know this would be changing things. I wish I would have asked her first. I tell her she can share my room or the pull out sofa in the living room. She’s been paying me ten dollars a night; and when I talk about it; she is very gracious; saying living room will be fine; but she may need to charge us if we walk through her bedroom.

I notice happiness, thankfulness and gratitude can evoke similar heart emotions as grief did. Confusing sometimes. Guess the holding in causes the pain. Think of sadness first when my heart feels pain; but realize sometimes it is actually gratitude.

Wes has now met my kids; and a couple of my sisters. It has gone really well. A guy from another Saskatchewan city left a message that he would be interested in meeting me. Not sure I want to follow up on that. I am dreaming non stop every night. I guess lots of processing going on. Lots of emotion inside. Watching my friends and trying to figure out what goes on for them; why they do the things they do.

All of sudden a song comes out; music and all.

We must find love

We must find love

We must find love

Love be the way.

The music is beautiful. Dissolves the walls. Imagine singing that song even at work. Attempting to move through this next onslaught of emotion; energy is all up and down my left side; feel like cold sores going to happen. Body needs clearing.

Another song comes:

Love matters where ever you are

Whatever you do

Where ever you go

Love is what will see us through

And it will keep coming back to you.

Wes asks me to a gala night where he golfs. He goes with me to a concert held in a church and said he went to a united church when young only when ball and hockey season not on. I let him know I don’t miss church but have all these programmed lines coming into my head. Just being in the church had old hymn titles singing in my head for days.

Went to his place for a supper and lots of cuddling; passion happening WOW!. Next day went to a Stephen Lewis talk on what is happening in a Grandmother’s for Grandmothers movement. Saw green heart energy aura all around Stephen Lewis’s head.

Wonder about all the things Wes and I are not talking about; the things like what relationship means to each of us; what we are wanting? Wonder will my openness, truthfulness, vulnerability, all this passion happening; whether my emotion will scare him off? He hasn’t seen any of my tears, grief, pain, despair, anger and I haven’t seen any of his. Well in this way I guess we are a lot alike. Are we not trusting? Not wanting to be hurt?

Wes asks me to go on an overnight to meet his brother and his wife. This is it; decision time. Have had a bunch of thoughts of wanting to spend more time with him. Well, it’s happening!

Things are going okay between my friend and I since she moved into my house. We get along. I do kind of miss my quiet times; but she is Ms Quiet personified. Had a great talk with her about my inner uncertainties of moving ahead with Wes; about this sacred feeling I’ve got inside about being connected to something so bigger than myself; know needing to nurture myself; mother myself and that I had written in my journal that morning :

“Life and love and healing and hope

Abide in the great unknown

Desperation in the soul

Awakens anew

Angry words left unspoken

Fester like an open wound”

I also talked about how this new relationship has me relooking at my old one; about the deep seated anger I still have for my ex-husband giving up on me; for not finding a way through; at myself for not accepting him how he was; how I wanted him to be different.

April 7, 2007 arrives. Each year since April 7th, 1992 when my memories came back, I chose something to celebrate me on April 7th.

This day I wake up with this dream: “Waiting for a guy to come pick me up and when he gets there I’m not ready. He’s in a hummer type vehicle and when he gets there I don’t know him. All he kept saying to me in the dream I couldn’t hear.”

That day we drove to where Wes grew up. Stayed overnight together in more ways than one. WOW! Got home and wrote: “WOW! Worth doing!We got along. It was good.! Moving towards our full potential. We had talks about so many things. Instead of your way or my way; what about our way and create something.

He likes my genuineness. I like his gentleness, his kindness; his bringing me coffee to the shower. Ten minutes before I’m home I tell him dream about he comes to see me in a hummer and he says he could have. He has one. Weird.

How beautiful a life I have created. He holds my hand; he loves to cuddle; he cooks; like I want him glued to me; we have lots of laughs; passion unfolding is an understatement.

Big week for us. Life changing. Glad he was able to share as much as he did. Glad I am honest about all. I feel we have something precious and just at the beginning. A lot of firsts. Never heard “nice bum” before. Out to see the stars together. The quiet of the night. Relax and enjoy where it’s at. Walk lightly on the earth feeling happening.

His not knowing what he wants he says. He seems to know what he wants. I have heat coming off me over and over; like my whole body relaxing or something. The tears flow and again I feel gratitude, heart opening, love, life and living.

I can’t imagine thousands of dollars put down on a membership and golf fees or something. He has more money than I have; but there is a richness, quality, rootedness and unassuming kindness when I think of him and the family members I’ve met and the tears flow.

Have thought, “There’s a soul still attached to earth,” and I want to say, “Your boys are doing fine and all is well.”

Love that I can share what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling.

Know I’m building dreams with Wes and unsure about it all. Hope we keep communicating like we have been. It’s like I want to talk about him non stop. This is so big in my life. Tears are about me trying to take it all in. I am happy and grateful and excited and scared and know I don’t have to be.

Knowing him is a wonderful unexpected gift and this morning another one. The dating site phoned and said Wes told them to take him off the list and wondering what I thought. I said, “Well then you can take me off too.” I AM MOVING ON!

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