ellensagh

The Sexual Assault Centre helped me photocopy forty pages of original receipts. I took them to the lawyer. I went home and cried. Was I saying good-bye to the hope of ever being part of the church again? That brought up saying good-bye to the community of survivors. That I no longer work in that area. Kept thinking about that guy I used to see and kept fighting inside myself about whether to phone him. Thinking about the experience of having my heart sing when I had been with him. How many people in life have that experience?
 I went to a wedding of one of the women I had met in a group right after my divorce and separation. Her teenage son and daughter walked her up the aisle and I was so emotional. I wrote them a letter wedding card based on the word commitment:
Commitment takes courage
O(h)onesty only
Mindful of each other
Mystery unfolding
Invitation to love
Time together
Memories in the making
Endearing respect
Naturally sharing and
Trusting each other

 I was in such emptiness.

Collage May 24, 1999
“The final hours are here as I bring another darkness to light. It is time to shine. The romance of night can be mine as I let aspects of myself I’ve feared rise to the light of day. I no longer need revenge or to avenge myself as I have the understanding of why I’ve felt the hurts so intensely. I need straight talk to reassure myself that I am there for me. I deserve light.”
 The steering committee of the caregiver project had a board meeting. They were impressed with all that had been accomplished for this centre and wanted me to be at a conference in Toronto in June. It was one where the federal health minister would be the main speaker and so a flight was booked. They also wanted me to develop a website and my son was just teaching me to email. That was scary.
 Ever since I sent the receipts into the church lawyers, I was in fear; as if I had done something wrong. I’d feel it at SGI about the work I was doing; or just all the time. Fear about only having one month left at SGI; fear I’d be out of money; fear for my son as he hadn’t found a job. I’d wake up at 2:30-3:00 am in catastrophic fear. I’d think things like as if I’d steal something or do something unethical and none of it was making sense. It was like they weren’t even my thoughts.
I had my last appointment with my counsellor as she was moving to a different department where people with money paid to see her I could choose to keep paying my $5.00 – $10.00 and see a different one in the same agency that has the sliding fee scale. One thing we talked about that last time is how much I still wanted to phone that guy and I remember her saying, well one thing is he would be at a different place now. How true.
 Went into fear about a new counsellor until I had a dream where a large restaurant is under construction. The new counsellor is in it and picks two pictures out of a newspaper and both pictures are what I would have picked. The first one tells me it is okay for her to work with me and the second picture she is choosing is of a mother and daughter who are black and they have on the brightest green and yellow fancy party dress and in my dream I go into wailing. In the dream, I hold my fingers on my third eye chakra and blue white light so powerful comes into me. I want to tell her to hold me while I do this but I can’t trust.
The next day, when I do go see her, she asked me to compare my life to an apple asking what parts are missing. Bigger question she asked is when will I know I’m finished counselling. For both questions, I had to think about it and so asked her, “How do I bring closure to something that is not over?”
 I went to a Friday night potluck at a friends. After we ate, and the ones there were talking about macrobiotic cooking; I stepped out her back door to have a smoke. As I stood on the steps sucking it in; all of a sudden, I could see lines of energy from this huge poplar tree in the yard next door; coming from the tree to me – connected to my stomach area. It was like a dinner plate sized circle on my mid-section with lines going out about every two inches and connecting to a huge circle around the tree. I could feel the lines going out from me to the tree and I said “oh my god” and closed my jacket and they were gone. Lines of yellow white light. I did not go back in the room and talk about it as I was meeting most of the people for the first time. I did tell my friend the next morning and I wanted to tell that guy I’d been seeing as we had always talked about energies that people could feel or see.
The next day I was at the art store. It was a Sat morning and I was disgusted that I was there. I used to spend at least one morning a week with my grandson. Through the last six months I’d been trying to spend an evening or weekend morning with him, as I couldn’t do the morning a week that I had been doing. It was getting harder to do; as I was doing the SGI clerk job; the co-ordinator caregiver job and some Saturdays working at the Art Store. Anyway it was the morning and the place was filthy and I was thinking I should write a book on how to clean a toilet without touching it. On my last break of the day, I phoned that guy and told him about the energy lines.
 As I walked in the door after work, he was phoning and into a half hour of talking nonstop about his stuff. I was disappointed.
 I was going out to a couple’s 25th wedding anniversary. I had been friends with her and in the same grade for twelve years of school and a reader at their wedding. This day I made them a card based on the word marriage:
Marriage is work
And also play
Relaxing together
Rare on some days
Indescribable moments
Attending to each other
Giving of self
Enriching each other
 DREAM: I am in SGI trying to find the right shoes to wear Going through drawers to find shoes and find moccasins and there are Indian gloves; leave and go down this road and know I saw a lamb. I think it’s a sign Jesus was here and as I get closer, it bursts like a balloon and goes up leaving a trail of smoke. I’m lying in the ditch like it was all a joke.
 During the next few days I kept thinking about those energy lines. They had been lines of light; like filaments of light from me to the tree. Is it release or connection? Does stored emotion block connection? That experience feels monumental.
Mom was now in a care home and getting her own phone. I met with a researcher regarding alternate therapies such as reiki, aromatherapy massage and psychodramatic body work for healing. She asked if I had multiple personality disorder. I told her I didn’t agree with those words so don’t describe myself that way. I said if it helps a woman describe her experience until she has her own language, okay; but don’t add to it.
Both my children are now in University. YEAH!
 Still thinking about what I want from a counsellor. I’d say back up and support to do with the church and Allinblack probably. I think of them as Perpetrator and Company. When I think of myself as apple, as she suggested, I don’t think of pieces missing, I feel like some are rotten and falling off, but the core is so beautiful. I have lots to release. I think it’s significant that the apples in my fridge at that time were rotting on the outside. That had never happened before. Is it a coincidence or does the world around reflect what is going on in our inner world.
 When I met with the researcher she asked if I was experiencing any major life events besides my day to day stressors. I talked about talking to my parents by phone as Mom makes this transition; as they both do; talked about going with a woman who confronted her father about ritual abuse; the lawyer phoning to have a meeting regarding the civil suit against the perpetrator and me wondering if I’m prepared.
That week I accompanied a woman when she met her Dad in a restaurant to confront him about the ritual abuse she had gone through growing up. He asked me if I was a social worker. I said I am there as her friend and I’m here to support her. He said, “You’re a witness and I’m not going to say anything in front of a witness. I may have or I may not have. I don’t remember.” She gave instances. His responses were, “I don’t remember. That’s news to me and I don’t have to listen to this.” He did. It lasted about fifteen to twenty minutes max. The woman and I left and went to a lake and walked for about two hours. She was so taken with the lady slipper flowers she saw; a teeny, teeny bird’s nest and she walked away with a long feather she found. On the way there, we had stopped by this unbroken prairie where I had found what she had said was a hawk’s feather which to her meant messenger. I gave it to her. When I got home, I wept. I phoned people to debrief. It was hard to hear what I had just heard. To the last person I said, “I don’t want to believe in ritual abuse; then I have to believe people are capable of doing that.”

My son started relief work for a group home with people with mental disabilities. The lawyer asks if I will preview a letter she will send to the church lawyer. In it she states amount of submitted receipts; saying all different types of treatment were required for the debilitating symptoms I experienced due to Allinblack’s abuse. She let them know I received $1000.00 from the government victim’s fund.
I say yes, send as is and she says we’ll soldier on. There’s that word again.
Ever since the counsellor spoke about an apple, it’s as if I’m living some metaphor about snake, tree, apple rotten, see others in white light; and have these thoughts and feelings like I am poisoning others. Some deep belief that I am in pain until I learn to serve. Someone told me that about 500 years ago, there was a woman pope in the Catholic church. Is that true? This church stuff. Serpent of Life. Someone said abuser; Allinblack and the church were on me but not of me. I say it seems more that that; as if I was pierced; it penetrated; church is what we made it; spirit in each of us; spirit filled me. I was connected. It was in the music. Can’t say it didn’t get me because spirit is in the body, mind; all that is; people weren’t there for me and yet they were there for me. I haven’t died. Centre of the earth that I thought was hell is actually the fire; where we come from; as if snake coiled around muscles from side of my head; my teeth, neck down to my groin where head of the snake is. I want it out before it eats me alive; shed skin; transformation; this is connected to when I was out at the buffalo pits; the snake there ; the song; grieving alone; my soul is searching making amends.
 I wonder how energy lines go from one to another? Do they attach? Do they coil? What happens when we are with others? with others sexually? Or with someone who has a mental handicap? If we cut the energy lines, does our energy drain until we close them? Where is our source of energy? Centre of the earth? The sun? the heaven? Moon or both or all that is? Evolve? What is evolution? No clarity here. I need tolerance and patience. What can protect my energy that it doesn’t get contaminated by others or that I don’t give it all away? Having these philosophical conversations in my head. HELL IS SEPERATION.
 I bought a pair of shoes and they remind me of the Cinderella story. Gold/pewter slipper type. Felt like glass slippers the night of my nieces wedding; as they fit perfect and now, days later; left and right foot aren’t the same so can only wear them for short periods of time. About five percent of me is okay about phoning that guy but I wrote what I might put in a personal ad about dating. I am a 44 year old woman, professional in all areas of my life, interesting in meeting gentle men who are interested in similar things. I am a multi-dimensional person, a social advocate on a variety of issues. I like walks in the country, always interested in learning and expanding on a personal level. I like connecting with people on a deeper level; trying new things, finding fun and humour in life.
I never put it anywhere.
 I’d been debating about asking my manager at SGI anout long term employment but no experience in the area of cars, parts, car values, but I can learn and sounds like they have training. I asked about it anyway.
 I gave my first presentation to a community audience about what caregivers have been telling me they need. Mostly they want someone to listen to them; to understand what they are going through. I went out to Prairietown for the weekend as Dad just went through a hernia operation and Mom was in the Villa. Seeing Mom there made me cry and biggest shock; as if I couldn’t find any compassion for dad; as if I was so angry at Dad that mom’s in there. When I’m with her in the room at the villa and see all the medication they hand her, I wish I could get her to do some anger and fear releases. As if she is just holding all the pain of the years inside.
It was to be there 50th anniversary coming up in November and my sisters are thinking of putting some kind of celebration on in August. I’m supposed to find a picture of myself for an anniversary scrapbook. There’s a picture of my social work grad picture from three years before. I don’t feel connected to it at all so won’t use that. I planted some nasturtiums in mom and dad’s flower beds and was trying to sort out my money as the Toronto trip was coming up. I budgeted that I would need $21.50 for Toronto and needed to read the itinerary.
 I was taking part in the alternative healing methods at Tamara’s House. I would have a half to three quarter hour Reiki treatment. Wrote; “Reiki; felt heat through most of my body; saw some blue light; felt as if electric current; all tingly in lots of places; felt as if one part of body being plugged into another; once saw visual picture of an eagle inside my mind; sideways; as if trapped in something; white eagle; can’t fly free yet. Hope it happens soon.”
 Biggest news may be the Supreme Court Ruling message from my lawyer that there are rumblings from Supreme Court and could I meet with them the second week in July. She said she couldn’t offer an opinion yet on how it would or wouldn’t affect my case.
 I set up some focus groups regarding the care giving project. Had a few of them and ideas were all over the place, I really wondered if any one of us; myself, the steering committee or the board knew what we were creating. I decided to put together job descriptions. With all the board members, it was like I had seventeen bosses.
 During the week two rocks I picked up changed colour in my hand. One a pink to black and a blue tinged rock turned to black. On June 21, 1999, that guy I was hearing from again left phone message, “Tremendous amount of healing energy available right now. Summer solstice. Don’t have to go to places to find it; medicine wheels, etc., it’s all out there, it’s here, have a wonderful day.”
 I set up a meeting with the SGI Injury Manager. I think if SGI has something to offer me, I will take it; even if it means giving up other jobs; or cancelling art store hours. The injury manager had me come in one morning and spend it with an injury representative at SGI.
 I had a powerful Reiki appointment. A lot of deep stuff happened; as if essence flowed between anger and wailing; sadness first; as if I was living that metaphor again; felt like snake turned around about hree inches away from the top of left back of head; down left side to pelvic bone; the Reiki person said bone of knowing maybe. I said what is knowledge? Power? Danger? Seeing? Empowerment? Responsibility? I don’t feel split in half anymore. Still the snake/apple metaphor going on inside. Tree of Knowledge/ Adam and Eve story in my head/ Adam work/ Eve/ pain in childbirth/ snake/ lowest of the low/ Christian Catholic stuff again/ Dad saying don’t let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch/ rotten through and through/ still feel like snake poisoning me; going to eat me alive if I don’t get it out. One bad event; not spoil the whole. I am not spoiled. I am worth something.
 I have a belief now that as long as I am in flow, I can access all the greatness/healing energy that is out there in the universe. I saw a raspberry light inside. The Reiki practitioner said inside the heart centre is a raspberry colour. Saw yellow pillow shaped light around my solar plexus area as she moved her hands over there. Felt like all is coming together; getting closer and closer to uniting; grieving days are nearly over. Told her thoughts of have to get back to songs and the land; that the land is keeping me alive; that it is alive. Was so intense. Left energized, but a little confused as the woman said that when she had read my book; she knew I was Aboriginal. I didn’t respond.
 I was talking to my sisters on the phone a lot on what to do for Mom and Dad. We were getting prices on nanny’s.
 June 23, 1999 I can leave issues till next week as I have to get ready for Toronto. Mom and Dad and all that goes with that; the lawyer,church, Allinblack, abuse; money,job for July; being a mother and a grandmother. Today will have fun in SGI injury as they said I could come back for half day there to learn about the injury clerical jobs and how they dispatch claims.
I can work on the pamphlet and business cards for caregiver project. Plus there is the writing of the job descriptions there and three monthly reports to be done.
 I notice my dream themes are seeking connection; fear of domination; spirit seeking spirit; lawyer talking to me and me wondering if I’m prepared.
Guy I’m back talking to speaks of purity of intent. Am I at purity of intent to do with this lawsuit?
June 25, 1999 In Toronto. Dream: fear of not having/being enough. Watched a movie on the way down about being in an office cubicle. Laughed lots as that’s how most at SGI live. Last minute hotel mix up just before I left and at no extra cost I get a Deluxe 5 star Gold Club Hotel; kind of awe-inspiring when I see it; the suite; a little uncomfortable them coming in and turning down my bed; the truffle; the bedside refreshments; loved the housecoat; the flowers; breakfast in bed; the view. Shocking; the difference between that and the next morning’s homeless girl I stepped over. She was sleeping with a bunch right out in the open on the sidewalk. I went to the conference and to the Eaton Centre where I found the kids each a gift. Only thing I saw that interested me was a necklace. $2095.00. A little upscale.
 I had pre-arranged to meet a woman who had been more than a peer support in 1992 when my memories had first come back. She had moved in 1993 to Edmonton and then a few years ago; moved again; this time close to Toronto. We had always stayed in touch by letter. She picked me up at 11am the day before I had to be back in Saskatoon and took me to a little more unreality; sitting by their pool all afternoon.
 My last morning at SGI. I spent the morning looking for lost files. That morning, before work started; had been in the donut shop; pulled out a piece of paper, wrote the name each of the forty seven co-workers and management I’d been with in the auto department for the eight weeks. I wrote one word or one line about how I had appreciated them; an example; her quiet ways; his for including me; his kind explanations; her soft spoken manner; her courage for standing up to a customer being abusive; one how I appreciated her filling me in on an adjuster’s role; some I was wishing all the best; others for having the cleanest desk I ever saw; one’s politeness; anothers dry sense of humour; his helpful direction; another’s concern. I was congratulating one on their retirement after 42 years at SGI; another’s good-morning’s every morning; one’s quick way of dealing with things; appreciated person’s work ethic; the learning I received, one person’s ability to tell it like it is; the other’s cheery disposition; the many thank yous from adjusters to clerks; the explanation re insurance classes; the patience of one amidst chaos there; one person’s cheeriness always when customers are either angry or in fear; and the list went on. Before I left, I gave it to the manager with a thank you card letting him know that I had really appreciated the opportunity and would like to come back.
I was happy to get a $200. Revenue Canada refund. Wasn’t sure whether to believe it. I drove in the country to see a beautiful sunrise and the fox was a bonus. The kids and I went to a cooperative housing project information meeting. They don’t want it and neither do I. Was nice to have a bit of time off now that I wasn’t going to SGI.
Changed my living room around. Going through boxes again. What is worth saving? Completed a journalling exercise around Gains and Achievements from the career centre; from the Art store and SGI. Regrets that it’s over; no more money. Redid Resume. What’s next; no idea; no plan. Finish up. Rest. Maybe celebrate. My sister made up a fancy 50th anniversary invitation and planned a celebration for Mom and Dad. I saw it and said, “Pretty classy”. She said, “We are class.”
 It feels like lots is over and yet still have the half time co-ordinator job for caregivers. Dad is up in the air about selling the house; putting mom in permanent care or not. I’ve rearranged when I work so I can be a grandmother every Thursday morning when my daughter is in university. We mostly spend it at the park.
I listed process questions for all the meetings I was setting up for partnerships in getting better services for caregivers.

What do we want and why? From who?
What will they want?
Do they know enough and what do they need to know?
What do we offer? Know our limitations.
What if we do nothing or they say no?
How do I take care of myself in all this?
I ‘ve been planning a retreat day for the steering committee and board members of the project to get a handle on planning as the project is moving ahead in leaps and bounds.
 A meeting was set with my lawyer and the night before I saw a vision before I went to sleep. I saw a face; but very little of it; could see the eye of an old man; as if the eye was twinkling but not. It felt important; felt like awake dreaming. I asked myself what it meant and at that moment; was like a knowing that I had a guide and it’s not of this world or reality; and it was not like a God or Jesus; and that I don’t need to call it a spirit guide or an energy guide; know it’s a guide. I was surprised that it was a he but that felt okay. Felt neat knowing something was out there. When I told someone about it; it didn’t seem as big as when it had happened but after seeing it; and the eye was so big; the twinkling expression. Now I know where the expressions come from; drown in his eyes; twinkling Santa Claus eyes or eyes are the something of the soul.
 The Lawyer Meeting: My lawyer’s partner; another lawyer, explained the Supreme Court Decision and that it had been the best case scenario for us; that it says the church ought to have known. The next step for us is we write church lawyer and say; this decision totally supports our case and want to go ahead. The response will probably be the Examination for Discovery for me; then Exchange of Documents, Reports, Pre Trial; the estimate for that is November and my thoughts were which probably means next June; then the Settlement or Trial.
He explained costs as what I will owe for Disbursements, Exams, reports and trial costs if lose this but those costs were not explained in money terms. They will put the case ahead for compensation for pain and suffering; loss of income, cost of treatment, and future costs. They asked if I have any case examples to pass on, as judge makes decision based on previous cases closest to the same. They asked if I was ready for the examination of discovery. I said in ways never more prepared.
Fragile came into my mind but didn’t say. He said I’d make a good witness on any day. I said I’m not backing out even if we’d lose and he said he doesn’t go there. I said it will be interesting and he said it is interesting. She said my file is flagged. I will now get a copy of their letters before it goes to the diocese lawyer. The next day I went through my files and gave them the outcomes of different cases in Canada.
 I made the decision to give my rings away. Had a birthstone and diamond ring from my ex-husband which said to me he had loved me as much as he was able; and gave it to my stepdaughter. I gave my son the wedding band; saying life is a circle; the ring was chosen first; just as he was chosen; and he can choose to do whatever he wants with it. My daughter, I gave the diamond telling her it’s a big diamond but big means nothing if love isn’t there. Then said it’s probably not that big. I don’t know. I never cared. I only wanted love. I realized I know how to give love; but have a hard time receiving it or being able to feel it. I wanted the diamond to remind her it’s okay to love and she deserves to be loved. I gave my married stepdaughter the wedding ring and told her I admired that she is striving to continue her relationship when all or most have failed around her and that I didn’t believe my marriage to her Dad had been a mistake or a failure. We had loved each other at the time.
 A friend of mine asked if I would serve divorce papers on her soon to be ex-husband as she didn’t have the money to pay a bailiff. I was a little leery but phoned her lawyer who explained the process. Talking to him, I found it interesting that I am a social worker when it suits me. He sent the divorce papers to me and the rule was that I had to see and serve the man personally; then have a commissioner of oaths sign when I sign my signature and return them to the lawyer. The next morning I was sitting outside the ex-husband’s house who I hadn’t seen for about a year; anxiety level about 3 out of 10; and when he came out, I called him by name and said, “I have something I have to give you; not have to… I said I would… They are divorce papers.”
And he said, “Perfect.” That took me by surprise. I said it was nice to see him again and he said, “Isn’t it nice to be seen.” His mood was infectious and I left smiling. Felt like a wonderful experience; weird when you have other imaginings.
 A woman lent me a tape by a native artist. I so connected with the earth and universal belief system in it.
 Mom and Dad are back together at home with home care coming in and the home care is not working. I went to a steering committee meeting and they wanted me to make up an organizational chart with my position being like an executive director. I felt like saying; well then pay me like one, but didn’t. Nearly all of them were caregivers themselves and they were all volunteering their time. They wanted so much and as I sat back listening to the hot topics of the meeting; it was as if they were carrying their own pain and as if the bigger organization had passed the community’s pain onto the steering committee and they were passing it on to myself and the clerical staff saying, “do something.” Who were we going to pass it on to? I introduced a check in and check out which was new but it brought their emotions to the meeting and out of that, I was hoping change would come.
 Home Care for mom and dad didn’t work or it did; depending on how you looked at it. There were over twenty caregivers from the health care system came into Mom and Dad’s house over four days, one to make a meal; another to do a dressing; one to stay for two hours; and they said mom didn’t know what was happening anymore; so they put her back in relief care until a bed in a home was found.
About six of my brothers and sisters arranged to meet at Mom and Dad’s on a Saturday morning to go through the house and the garage; to clean and get rid of things. Tensions were running high; actually higher than high. As if some of us were so ungrounded. I knew I was angry about how some of the things were being done. My sisters asked me to plan a program for the anniversary. Interesting that they are telling me how to do it. I remember saying when this is done; meaning the day, the end of our family in that house; I still want a family. A sister that was mostly arranging everything, said with mom going in the villa and the anniversary planning, she needs me to have it together.
I retorted, “I have it together.” Interesting to me that I did a lot of the shit jobs; cleaning the potato bin, etc. and it was the same jobs I had done when I was growing up. After four hours of cleaning and sorting where I kept feeling lighter all day long; we had a family meeting about the anniversary planning and it actually went really well. A nephew was going to help with the program. I feel good about going down a generation; and the grandchildren will be the mistress/master of ceremonies and be in the program. I went to see mom before I headed back to Saskatoon and the newest thing; we are giving each other hugs before leaving. The concept of family still means a lot to me.
 I found a January 17(my birth date) key chain that says persons born that day are private and traditional.
 Those days I was angry a lot and found it interesting that Dad and I are both having the same trouble with our cars. Both needed radiator fluid topped up; like bursting my top; they keep overheating and I thought yes, anger needs a place to get out.
 I read an article about dentists and their high suicide rate Is it because people bring their pain and anguish to them? I saw a woman I hadn’t seen for years; and tried to explain aspects of my life: author, publisher, seller; retreat organizer; workshop facilitator; unemployed, drug store clerk; public speaker; social work drop in staff at Tamara’s House; art store staff; student at career centre; mover; now the SGI clerk and caregiver project co-ordinator. We talked about being mother; sister, daughter, friend. lover and enjoying most of them but no idea where I’m going.
Most mornings still driving out of town to see the sunrise and many phone Mom as she has a phone in her room. I get my picture taken as my sister was putting an 8×10 in the anniversary book of the rest of the siblings and their spouses with the date of marriage. I gave her mine and said put, “I’m free”. She didn’t.
 Aug. 8, 1999 –wrote: “I love my journal; classy rich but not pretentious; understated, earthy and flowing; bluest of greens; water in the emotions. Sky all around. I am centred in the light and balance. All is spiritual; in my femininity and beginning to bloom. A strong and solid foundation; enduring strength flowing from deep inside. Very little darkness to uncover.” A poem comes:
I need sunshine and flowers
And lots of love
Live and let live
Laughter and tears
Living breath
Water that runs deep
Lasting loves
Listening people
Light
Lessons in love of my body
And being in my body
Making it my home
A home of pleasure
Passion unfolding
Pleasing me
And in pleasing me
Promising no one
I please others
By being who I really am
Special and true to me
Real as real can be
Living in the light
Laughing in the darkness
Lying next to me
Sleeping soundly
Safe and secure
Over my fear
Of saying something wrong
And of no one being there
For me to feel
Safe and strong
And I am
Even if they run
I still have fun
As I sit in the sun
Or watch the moon.
I went to see a counsellor at Sexual Assault Centre drop in as in deep pain about something. She tells me a fish story. As if perpetrator gave me a fish; a rotten fish. I keep it in my pocket; deep away from everyone as I think I stink. Well now I am taking it out of my pocket, waving it around; but haven’t given it totally back. She said may take a lifetime to give it back. I don’t think so.
 I had another Reiki treatment that left me wondering if the person giving it was channelling energy or drawing energy from me as she talked through the whole session. When I left I felt totally drained. She had given me $ 20.00 towards a second book. The next morning I gave myself Reiki and it seemed to work.
 I heard a woman made $10,000. pension in a two and a half year time period. I didn’t know such a thing was possible. It made me realize how ridiculous it is; the amount of work I do for so little money. I picked up a passport application. Someday I am going on a holiday.
 A phone call in the middle of the night from the hospital. Mom is dying. I cry all the way there and when I get there, she has stabilized. I spent a half day and then home to work. It was five days before the anniversary and we were trying to decide; do we cancel the party for family and friends. We didn’t and she was out of the hospital in a wheelchair. My kids were part of the program and it was really special to me.
 The week following I was getting ready to go for a holiday. My friend was moving to Prince George, B.C. I was going with her in the car and flying back. The night before I leave for B.C., I have a vision. “ It is of a room with a high open window; a green curtain blowing; woman with petticoat and long dress, standing by a wooden chair; as if has a maid type of hat on and as if that woman was in the same room with the guy I had kept seeing and was now back to phoning.” It was like a past life experience vision.
 On the trip, we stopped by a lake; and as I stood there; it was as if I was a part of it; as if I had stepped into a scenery book. The trip was so beautiful, but every time I looked in a mirror; could see the long ago Sharon still haunting me; as if not of this lifetime; left sided body pain; a deep grief
that I haven’t connected with. Even with that happening, most of trip I was loving my life as it is; not wanting anything different. I had driven out there with my friend and then the air plane trip home was so fast. Prince George to Vancouver. Mountain tops over clouds, and then off the plane at Vancouver; on again and out over the ocean. Seeing Penticton; then prairie quilt patches so quick and descent into Saskatoon.
 I was home and offered work by Tamara’s House. Would I do a fall retreat for $1000.? Yes. Out of the blue, the director of the Mary Kay Consultants phoned to see if I would work for her for ten hours a week. No.
 After I got back, I was standing in my kitchen thinking of that woman I had seen in that vision; and remembered more. “Green curtain blowing. Open high window; about 10 foot room; she’s standing by a wooden chair facing a bed; has on button up high heel boot style shoes; has just taken off petticoat; standing tall and dignified; being asked to do something by man in bed. Woman has blondish brown long hair; would be put up soon in a maid’s cap or a bed cap; brown paisley dress long is what she has just taken off.” Unsure what it was all about or how it connects to that guy that is in this vision; and who looks just like the guy I have been seeing.