ellensagh

Journal # 92 December 22, 2006 -February 10, 2007

Thoughts I can leave behind as kids and I leave for Mexico. The gifts I received from work; the co-worker who took my five o’clock shift so could pick up the last minute tickets and get to the bank. Wes coming over last minute to say good-bye; the mad dash to get it all done in the last week; the hoping we’d find a trip; delivering Christmas cards to the neighbors; people dropping in; taking book presents to Dad and my aunt; the going to to the Big City the week before for training; going to the Christmas concert; actually being gramma and skating; my friend bringing me bug spray and sun screen. So much happening!

Two o’clock in the morning we leave for Regina airport; both kids and myself. We leave winter boots and coats in trunk. Four hours later in Mexico. Security has us press a button on a traffic light in the airport. Green. Good to go. On the balcony; a hummingbird five feet away is checking out the bougainvillaea. The ocean; the beach; the pool. The guy on the beach singing to earn his living. The long hours people work here.

A walk downtown. Lights of the city at night. Dining a la carte. My daughter; the continual new and different outfits; a photo shoot every night; braids in her hair; beautiful. Days of fun. Days of sun, sauna, steam room, shops, flea market, collecting shells; me in a tree. Artisan’s walk; straw hats in the making. Silver fish jumping; kids playing Frisbee. The banana tree; the pool side lounges; drinks anytime; the conga; tia maria; white russian. Not much Christmas commercialization. One sign said, “Felice Navida.”

See a whole school of fish; walks along the malecon; massage tables by the ocean; sunsets; kids asking, “You like it?, saying, “HOLA, Graciaas or Buenos Dias.”. Sunset over the clouds; as if sky on fire. And for me, just the fun; being with the kids; no agenda for a week. Lounger by the pool; sand volleyball; breakfast outside; birds of paradise everywhere.

Didn’t cry the whole trip. No insomnia. So good to get to know the kids in a different way. Realize don’t know them in the same way now their on their own. Did I ever? Can one person ever know another? A nice Christmas Eve touch when the carols were played on the cello and violin. Puerto Vallarta December 22-29, 2006. What an experience! Won’t forget I’m sure.

Back to Reality. Minus twenty at the Big City Airport. Car nearly didn’t start. Was not good coming from 30 degrees and putting those cold boots on.

Wes phoning. I told him I am looking forward to seeing him again. Trying to sort out what has happened in my life as every time I go through a big new event; I can’t seem to remember where I’ve been or who I’ve been. I had to make another most important things in my life list.

Growing up

Malaysia

Marriage

Children

Moves

BC to Saskatoon

Teacher Aide and Mary Kay

University

Eyes Peeled

Moved to Oiltown

Book I

My Grandson

New government employment

Mom died

Marathon

Permanent Job

Arizona

2004-Finished Book II

My Daughter’s University Graduation

Bought a house

Personal Injury Representative II permanent

La Pas, Mexico

Met Wes

Woman Volunteer helps me Edit and Edit again

Binder to Tamara’s House on December 6, 2006

Christmas in Mexico with my children

Wes takes me out for a New Year’s Eve prime rib. I invite him to my sister and her husband’s home for New Year’s day. Meets seventeen of my family. My saskatoon berry pie turned out fine. Thank goodness. I told him I am liking my life as it is and not really looking for something different but wondering inside, “ Are we dating? Is he still dating others? If there is no passion now; will there ever be?”

Had a dream: “that I’m on the edge of something magnificent, powerful; and yet; is it dangerous?”

Feel so close to going over the edge as if I could step into another dimension or see in a different way. Energy and spirit in another form. I’m trying to figure out life and death mystery.

I’ve been skating most days. Wonderful! Had singing at my house; was not wonderful. One of the women; it was so big what was happening for her. She was in a catatonic rage with suicidal thoughts. I have been there. She said she didn’t know what she needed; then said wanted to be rocked for six hours; wanting someone to know what she’s talking about; someone who can hear the despair; the am I crazy? I was in tough, tired space before they came; now unsure what I want to do about singing in the future. Want my world to be nice; so sorry she is going through that but don’t ever want to go through another night of that.

My sister came for the first time; was there; saw that and think she is scarred for life!

January 10, 2007 Up this morning wondering about whether to talk to Wes. I want more obviously and it’s on my mind all the time so think I’d better talk about it. And then a song comes.

And you know how much I really love you

Even though I see the pain in your eyes

I’ll give the best that life offers to you

I need acceptance and no more lies

.

Reaching out Reaching out

Tentatively

Reaching Out Reaching Out

Tentatively

Have to live my life sharing what I’m thinking

There can’t be no more holding it in

I’ve practically grown as a woman

As my heart opened, my eyes no longer dim.

Reaching out Reaching out

Tentatively

Reaching Out Reaching Out

Tentatively

Sweetheart is what I’m really asking

Gently moving to another plane

Hearing from each other much more often

Loving let it begin.

Reaching Out Reaching Out

Tentatively

Reaching Out Reaching Outpatient

Tentatively

Still doing quite a bit of skating, yoga, emailing and phoning friends. Now into sorting cupboards. Wes was over for supper. My daughter asked me to stay overnight. Wes said he’d drop me off so was in his vehicle. Had an egg in my hand as my daughter said out of eggs and wanting to make something. Just before getting out, I told Wes I’d be interested in spending more time with him and thought I’d let him know that. He said he is unsure of what direction he wants to take; really likes our friendship. A friend had encouraged me to let him know as it had worked for her and she is happily married in her second relationship. It made it easier for me to do it as Wes was leaving in the morning for a month to Thailand.

I keep thinking about my life and the words in the song about no more lies. Am I always pushing the envelope, wanting more? Still unsure of my past; how much truth to still uncover; when do you stop searching? When you die? Will I hear from Wes again? Do I see myself as others see me? Where do I find compassion for me as tears pour down my face?

My fifty second birthday. Had visits with gifts from six friends; eighteen phone calls and lots of emails. How nice is that! Wrote in my journal; “I no longer have to worry about anything. I don’t have the fear anymore. I can take care of myself. It was a long time coming. I have beauty and color in my life. I have skills galore I can now use at work. I enjoyed January; could call it a month of love between friends, co-workers, family and I sang my new song last night. Complete is what they said.”

Wes phoning yesterday thinking I was taking him out for his birthday. I missed the boat on that one. Haggis; Robbie Burn’s Day. Never heard of it. But we went, and he was falling asleep as he was just in from Thailand. He wants to see more of me. He brought me a present.

I went to Prairietown to be with Dad and my aunts for weekend. We helped pick an outfit for my aunt to wear to a niece’s wedding when we weren’t playing music and shuffleboard.

End of weekend, Wes and I out for another meal when he suggested a movie. I said as long as you know I’m not in to violent ones. Together we picked out“Blood Diamonds”. Right after it started, he asked if I wanted to leave. I said I was okay; at least it wasn’t fiction; was based on real life it said. He was very comforting to be beside. I had to remind myself to breathe. He is immediately into holding hands now when we are together so things have changed.

Went for a massage; woman said heat was pouring off upper left quadrant. When finished, I had two lines on my face that did not come from the sheet. She or I could not explain them. Would be there and then gone. Four days later, my youngest sister is at my house and the two lines are back on my face. Remind me of a tiger. Maybe spirit of a tiger. Thought; have to protect myself.

Feel great about much in my life. Looking back on Christmas, New Years and my birthday. What a January. So many people in my life. Three co-workers I exchange gifts with; now Wes, my kids of course; and the women I walk with. I have eight really close friends; eight not as close and same amount of women who sing with me. Wes meeting seventeen of my family all at once. Three of my sisters stayed overnight in the last three weeks. I’m close to the two women I’ve written letters to for years and now I have five neighbours who I connect with. I’m glad I’m so close to my cousin and her husband. Boy I keep track of everything. Why am I doing it and when will I quit?

Know it’s time to give up New Hope; the survivor group from the past and my activism as a survivor. Now it’s more about me being out in the world as a woman and being in a male/female relationship. I want to continue yoga as it helps me connect to what is happening in my body but I don’t need the extreme anymore in all the other areas of my life. Seems like I’m overdoing it all the time; taking care of others and working so hard for every cause.

It’s now time to have fun, relax, enjoy life, sing, dance, enjoy relationship, freely giving away my love and wisdom and not under obligation. Putting demands on myself doesn’t work anymore.

When I was out at Dad’s this time I notice he and my aunt are getting older. They are questioning their decisions; have self doubt going on about what to wear;. Dad wondering about shoes for the wedding and whether he needs overshoes. It’s like they are needing more care each year and I see where the expression comes about becoming like little children.

I have a lot of thinking going on these days as my son moved in with a woman that used to be a man. When he was over for supper the other night; told me about going on a date. Lots of thinking about all that and how comfortable am I talking about that with Wes? Haven’t yet. Had Dad and my aunt come stay at my house. A neat experience.

Moved my oak kitchen table in front of the living room window. Minus 29 degrees with hoar frost and new white snow; lots of white smoke rising from the chimneys; Co 2 emissions I guess.