ellensagh

4. How To Go On

Journal # 80 January 9, 2003 – March 10, 2003

Working on the “safe worker” part for the women’s retreat. Still sharing my marathon experience with those who supported me. Makes me smile being a gramma. Debating whether I want to pay twenty five dollars. for a supper with the singles group or go cross country skiing. Debating phoning two guys who picked me to have a date. Did. One was all about his dad just having a heart attack and the other talked the whole time about trying not to get the flu. So much for that! My son borrowed the car for the night. I’m writing on my book; deciding what will go in it.
Lots of dreaming. Last night’s dream: trying to decide how to get down stairs without hurting myself. Metaphor for my life. Archeologist, historian, explorer. Now injury adjuster.
Happy Birthday Me! I am disappointed that I feel cut off – disconnected – between my mind and my feelings; mind and body as well. Maybe from the deep, deep stuff I was in at Christmas and then went from that into this book project. Know I could not kiss someone right now as there is something blocked in my head; above and behind my nose; that I can’t breathe right. Wonder why I hit rock bottom at Christmas? Is it knowing Christianity is over for me? Responded to that lady who was quoting the bible to me; and I say our land, our Saskatchewan land was an ancient sea; way before the bible; that yes; I think the bible was an inspired book but not believing in the immaculate conception; that Jesus is God anymore than we are God; can’t believe in heaven and hell. I believe Jesus is spirit. Didn’t go over well.
Went to cranial-sacral massage; into deep deep wailing; which came from top of chest area. The whole thing helped drain the sinus’. Still feel disconnected. Going to a peace rally. Feel like making a sign saying “ I don’t want to kill anyone.” Different times yesterday wanted a smoke and know that relates to the intensity inside.
Went to Regina for a three day work course; had a date there from this dating service I joined. We went for a supper. By the time I’m back to the hotel, back was in spasms. He told me his wife in a nursing home.
I guess good that he told me. My back stayed that way for the rest of the time away. Back to Saskatoon, went to a chiropractor and still in spasm. She said T 2, 3 and 4 is the issue. I wonder: Too much work at work? Fear re the date? The computer Book II work I’m doing? The tough shit I was going through in 1997; back then I was changing lawyers; reading the statement of claim and then it showing up in the paper without the lawyers even telling me it was going to. A friend pulled out the trusty Louise Hay book and her take about what T2 is about; fear, pain, hurt, unwilling to feel; shutting my heart. T3 – inner chaos, deep old hurts, inability to communicate. T4 – bitterness and condemnation; need to make others’ wrong. Her book goes on to say the affirmations that will help are: “|my heart forgives and releases, It is safe to love myself. Inner peace is my goal. I forgive everyone. I forgive myself. I nourish myself. I give myself and others the gift of forgiveness and we are both free.”
Some days when I’m rereading my journals; I feel ashamed the thought of anyone reading them. I feel like if I don’t finish the book I may never go back to it. Biting my nails till they nearly bleed and yet now not as bad shape as I was back in 1997 when my body, mind and spirit were nearly fried. I am now planning that I will be in the desert on April seventh this year. Maybe in summer go to BC. A way of celebrating.
Hard to buy groceries. So much feels insurmountable but actually doing things; moving forward. Debating talking to my boss as I don’t agree with him sending a letter out in my name; didn’t talk to me about it or nothing. Makes me mad. I am changing my hours at work from 7:30 – 12:30 and 2:00 – 5:00.
Instead of beating myself up for not getting groceries; now starting to get a few things a day. Try something different. I did talk to my boss; stood up to him, in that I asked him to let me know if a letter is going out in my name that I have not written. I am spending time with the kids; one has credit card debt to the limit; and still buying things; the other one not making proper meals; not eating right. Why are we living like this; not valuing ourselves. We played scrabble. This bothers me being alone. This dating is no magic thing.
Talked to a counselor again; glad I did as it helps perspective; listening all day to injured customers who are in pain and fear. Trying not to take that on. A first nation’s elder who had been in an accident shared that other people’s pain she hears goes straight to her neck. She goes to up to four sweats a week to rid herself of other people’s pain. Maybe my crying and talking to the counselor is helping me release as feel clearer, and much better.
That feeling better lasted for a few weeks. Ended when I finished co-facilitating the twelve women weekend retreat. It was wonderful but as if I am full of infection. In my body. Body tired, wracked with pain down the left side; in my throat and in my lungs. That lasted weeks. I talked, cried and wrote it out.
Gramma fun again; love the overnight fun making a tent out of the table, reading stories,balloon volleyball, and hopscotch games, blowing bubbles, and the coloring book mazes.
Wrote out an exercise I found in a book called sentence finishers: “My name is Sharon. My relationships are easier than used to be. I am fourteen to fifteen years old. I look Aboriginal or Indian. I am wearing second hand clothes. I stand tall; walk slumped over a bit; sit like I have too much to do. I have physical pain on my left side. Things important in my life are taking care of myself, understanding what is going on, treat others with respect and be treated that way. My relationship with me is shaky. Three characteristics of mine are honesty, caring, and harmony. Important relationships are with all people and animals as all connected. I am not responsible for other people. What would I like to tell the world? I am hurting inside. I am angry that I was abused. The hurt and pain aren’t far away. I have so much heat coming out of left side of body. What is that? Blocked energy?
Hard to understand it all. Heat just poured off my left side for hours. What is it? I do believe anger blocked and underneath the anger, the hurt. Does emotional shit come out physically? How do I prevent it? Read that my inner voice of love is connected to universal love and tears start rolling down my face.
Forgot to plug in the car and it’s so cold; minus 31 and minus 45 Celsius with the windchill on this March 4, 2003. Glad I can walk to work. Writing another PIR I exam today. I get to work; the first thing I hear on my phone is a co-worker leaving a phone message at three am for me saying he wanted me to know this and then on came part of the song “I’m leaving on a jet plane”. I wrote the manager and said concerned about my and my co-worker’s safety as this same colleague had been so angry just days before when he slammed his fist through a wall. For days I’m wondering, what ways can we support each other and work together; when one is down and the other is up; heal the rifts between staff members when the anger and pain of injured people is constantly all around us?
Found out I passed the exam. To celebrate, I write out affirmations. Pause to give thanks for what is. Accept who I am. Honour all that I am. Honour where I’ve been, where I’m going and how I’m getting there. I take the time I need to be at peace. When I am deeply immersed in work I love, I am peaceful.
Had an interview for a PIR I job; it went well. When over, I paid the $1695.00 towards the Arizona desert trip that I will be taking in about a month’s time and feel good about it.

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