ellensagh

Journal # 87 October 13, 2005 – January 23, 2006

Starting a journal my daughter gave me. She had written “THERE IS LOVE” on the first page. I wrote “LIVING IN LOVE.” I’ve been going through feeling NO LOVE and so THERE IS LOVE is a really wonderful message to get after a really rough day. Left a message on the phone for her about how nice to get that message when can’t feel love. She may have a permanent job with federal government. Will know Monday. My son is going to meetings about becoming a financial adviser.
I’m having issues at work; feel like I’m doing management’s job and not getting paid for it. So much I am doing and I’ve never had the training. Days I feel can’t do anything right and I’m doing wonderfully well in all areas. Feel overextended at work; maybe because the appeal process I went through took me back to when I had been in court. When my sister phones me; like my stomach area feels stretched out towards them; even if it’s over the phone; I have that overextended feeling; like they are pulling something from me and I have nothing to give. Like I have no support feeling; abandonment or something; maybe my fear of speaking out.
I feel the same way at work for the last few months; finally went in and talked to my manager. Went on and on about the work I had done in the last year; with inadequate support and no debriefing. I brought up the uneven workload in the department; that I have more work than others as evidenced by other adjuster’s behaviour; they have lots of time to do other things not related to work. I work non stop.
I spoke of the mismanaged caseload I’d been given; as in previous adjuster didn’t end benefits; so as my job is to provide all benefits customers are entitled to; the whole year has been ending people’s benefits that they were not entitled to. Taking these benefits away; non stop conflict; going to appeals; no training in that; taking files that were at a higher level of legislation and no training for that. I let him know I spoke to the senior who was supervising that person; and was told my abilities had been overestimated. That has me angry.
I talked about how training is now happening by emails. Not enough training is happening for the type of work I am doing; going to appeal hearings brought forward the lack of training in legislation and office procedures that all adjusters are in. The amount of sick time and stress leaves taken in our office show the vicarious traumatization employees are facing. I brought up what a rip off the summer is as in a year; I get three weeks of vacation and most employees are long term employees who get six weeks; so I am the one doing double duty and nothing is in place for their call backs and the new files. I end up with them all. I’m told it was my choice not take summer holidays.
When I try to explain to other employees; they don’t know what I’m talking about. That is a example of privilege; if it doesn’t affect you; you don’t even know it’s happening. Manager said to me it doesn’t matter to him as he’s retiring soon. I’ve been angry ever since. I don’t feel supported and I feel used. I told him like I have been on a crash course of burnout.
Wes asked me for dinner; not supper – dinner. We’ve set a date. Last night was a fantastic night. Made a meat sauce for spaghetti that turned out so well; had my friend from downstairs up for a while; and then the two friends I walk with over for supper. I told them they couldn’t stay late. They brought me a care package of about twenty things; two bags were full. A writing pad, six candles with a candle holder; a book; bird ornament; a lei of flowers, bubble bath, a teddy bear pillow that said “It takes a long time to grow an old friend,” a card of three kitties; a massager; and some tea. So good cause I’ve been running on empty. What a wonderful night!
Wanted to see an exhibition called Reflections of Nature. Asked a friend and when she came to pick me up, she brings me two fur coats. She wants me to accept them as a gift. Said had been hers, but after divorced; could not bear to wear them. WOW. One is mink and the other fox. My daughter stops in; she thinks fur coats are not okay.
I’m trying to find ways to fill me up. Went out and picked the last roses I could find. Bought almonds. I have hope for a nice evening with Wes. I actually think it will be. He is the type to bring me flowers I think.
Enjoyed the supper; the evening. Feels like he is one of the group of people I can talk to. He bought supper. I said will another time. Thoughts: I had no physical attraction; felt not good enough in that I have these old golf clubs when it sounds like he golfs a lot; I’ve been through so much pain, poverty.
Still have blisters in my mouth; the anger from work; from speaking out; brings up my past. Maybe will wear jail uniform this Halloween. At work feels like I’m in jail or else a raving lunatic. Wrote a bunch of work things in my journal and then wrote in big letters: PEOPLE SAY THE SAME THINGS TILL THEY ARE HEARD.
After my speak out with manager have been in fear as know from past experience how much I can lose by speaking out, and I know I’m still on probation. Have to meet with a work lawyer again this week as am in court next week to do with work; reducing someone else’s benefits according to the legislation. At least the court is validating I’m doing it right according to the legislation.
Had trouble sleeping; to do with the manager meeting; wondering if I had done something bad. Shame over what I said. Like I went too far. As if in wrong for saying about workers in retirement mode and not doing their share; as if I’m in wrong; not being a nice person.
Glad manager was able to hear me that first time and offered to meet with me again; this time with the supervisor there to hear and that I could go over the same things. When the supervisor tried to say we’ll do something different; manager said we are not in problem solving place yet. We are hearing her out.
He also brought up how difficult an appeal hearing is to go through as we have three appeal judges asking us question after question and said could see where it felt unfair and unreasonable. Felt validated; even though I know the court process triggered my own past experience.
How do I adapt when personal issues being triggered? A lot is how much I expect of myself; keep adding new experiences to give hope; stay busy so don’t think; the work hard and you’ll be rewarded. That last bit is a saying Mom used. Aloneness feeling is an issue. I know Management Knew and Did Nothing and Here we go again is the feeling I have about it all. Did the church know and do nothing?
Met with a young Chinese woman to do with my volunteering with Open Door Society. She said I have a colorful life. Sang my Northern Lights song to Wes. A close friend was over and we had a fire in the fireplace. We listened to each other; sat and talked and talked. I saw her aura; it was green; maybe means growing; but it wasn’t around her; was behind her by the door. She knew it was about her being ahead of herself. Slept through the night.
Notice since I had meetings with manager; he’s been coming around my desk, talking to me which is new and different. He asked me if I’m taking breaks. Feels supportive. He is also taking me off new claims for four weeks. Right on!
Have been reading books from library; swimming as gramma these days; cleaning and organizing the garage; composting. Wrote a letter to a friend; told her the work issues saying the first meeting was like a crisis point. Boiling over. The going to court and having to defend a decision I made put me over the edge; now have had four one hour sessions with management venting and spewing the anger and frustration; how my lips even breaking into blood blisters over the shit I was unknowingly given; no training; no support and asked her if she ever gets sick of listening to me.
As soon as I wrote it; knew it was a saying Mom used to say. I don’t know who she was talking to; maybe a neighbor but remember it was Mom’s mid-life. She had all these kids; was crying a lot; the house was a mess and she would say to the neighbor who was there listening to her. “Hope you don’t get sick of listening to me.”
Patterns we repeat?
The letter went on telling her about the non -stop company I’ve been having; mostly all family. My sister’s family had been here staying at my house, as there had been a huge daycare accident; a car went out of control driven by a seventeen year old; went into the daycare yard and hit two girls; one is in serious condition; fractured skull; ten steps away from my niece. Patterns all around me? I also went on about getting ready to leave for Mexico; still taking the African dance class; had first book meeting at my house about maybe publishing second book and soon, supposed to give a presentation to a social work class. Did not mail the letter.
The work meetings gave me hope that things can change. Ideas start flowing again. I write: ‘I’m born to create. I like development. I like writing. I love new ideas flowing. The magnitude of it all scares me. Change can happen. I have to let go of the fear that I will overextend and take on too much. As I sit here writing; it is all of a sudden happening; that unfurling feeling coming out of my heart or solar plexus chakra; I’d guess more the power chakra which is the solar plexus chakra. I have to find new ways to clear myself.’
Still have times scared I won’t make it. Have to let go of the trying to be in control; that part of me that wants to make a difference; wants love, recognition; that is so needy; the one that knows injustice, knows the pain, the despair; that all things matter and that nothing matters; the one that wants to live in the flow; that knows there is a better way than what we are doing at work.

November 4, 2005: On my way to Mexico with two co-workers.

Writings While On My Trip To Mexico

I’m here, I love it, it’s beautiful. Incredible view; like part of the rich and famous. On this lounger overlooking the ocean. Palm trees, greenery, pink bougainvillea; thatched roof to my right; but mostly incredible ocean view; cruise ship in the distance; panoramic view; birds like pelicans. Huge balcony. Table and chairs on the other side, this place must be over 1000 sq feet; really big bedrooms; king size bed; all the ceramic tile; quality workmanship; everything really nice; really clean; temperature same inside and out; last night probably 20 ; now about 25 with gentle ocean breeze.
I so feel like I deserve this after I have worked so hard. On the other side is the most beautiful pool; that blue like the ocean; flowers and deluxe lounging chairs; so glad they had coffee and the water here for us; wet facecloths when we were met at the airport. Went through about ten lineups at different airports to get here but all went well.
Quite something topic of discussion with guy from California from LA to LaPaz. We covered so many topics; he was really interesting to talk to; and exactly what I needed to debrief all that’s been happening – an intelligent, caring, aware, sensitive, conscious on a world level – talked about environmental concerns, water shortages, Canada’s perceptions of US and the war in Iraq; political scams here and there; disillusionment in the US with Bush; his Saskatchewan connections; and wouldn’t you know it; he brings up the scandals just breaking around him; is it the same in Canada as in United States he asks- Catholic church cover up with sexual abuse; was glad I was able to talk about it; as in the past; he was interested in what can be done to increase awareness; promote change; he shared much of his life; death of his wife at thirty six leaving him with a five year old boy; his new wife five years later and raising her children; her job and similarities to mine; her at a workers compensation job in the U.S., paying benefits and how it is state run; and how it went from liberal overpaying on claims to restricting the rights of the claimants.
This morning walked to the store; quite a difference to get pesos figured out in my mind; glad they had an orientation to this city of 400,000 and to our home for the week. Told to buy water; use only bottled; even for brushing teeth; explanation of the tours offered. We’ll get groceries today and take part tonight in the last of the procession performances to do with the Day of the Dead. Water in the ocean is 79 degrees.
Sunday morning church bells ringing; dogs run loose; the tide gone out; incredible shells; families on the malecon; which is like a three times as wide Meewasin walking trail along the ocean; with lots of benches; a place to stroll; meet your friends; trampoline set up on the sand; music; balloon making guy; the bicycle vendors. My co-worker host is transforming a pineapple.
Everyday beautiful; 10 day forecast 89 degrees and sunny; pelicans; turkey vultures circling; look in the water and it’s a tropical sea aquarium. Sunday morning we go to the marina and wow, she knows how to meet men! The sailing ships – the cabinetry; solid varnished wood; men dressed totally in white. I’m watching the tropical fish jumping out of the water; the boys fishing with a pop bottle, fishing line, spark plug and live bait; small glass of pineapple juice about 15 pesos; about $1.80 Canadian. Our other roommate bought a large Culligan type water jug for our place.
We did a half hour walk through residential; like mansions; then shack; most uneven type sidewalks; crumbling one minute and ornate, ceramic tile design or round stones buried within the concrete next. Rooster crowing. Surprised the amount of dogs unleashed on their own; don’t bother anyone. Walk by a military hospital; a Spanish language school; fruit trees galore, flowers of every color; hibiscus; bird of paradise; cacti; saguaro; all green; grapefruit overhanging the pool. The neighbor gets to know us as we help catch his white poodle, Ditta.
My roommate is a master chef; boiling chicken for chicken chow mein tonight; have to go get some vino. I like it here; I’m singing a lot. Picked shells on my walk last night. Forgot to write about the little kids dancing; maybe 6-7 years old; girls with hair done on top of their heads with roses in their hair and long skirts; dancing with young boys with cowboy hats; going round and round a circle. My friend knows her fish; how to cook then too; monteray; elderado – don’t know how to spell either but good.
Tour of La Paz – place of peace. Tour was to be three hours; the guy brought us back after four and a half. What did I learn? Four hundred and thirty five years ago it discovered by missionaries; Agave plant makes the tequila; lots of land now being sold for mansions, condos; time shares; US $$$ coming in; discussion on how many times US tried to take over Mexico. Certain old families control the economy of the city; no one owns the beach, low income housing – sometimes 10 families per building; nothing looks finished; rebar sticking out; clothes hanging all over; but mainly a clean, quiet city – ALTO is the stop sign but no one stops; the saying is- Yes, You’re first but after me.
To the Potter; and the Weaver of 5 generations; who made all his machines. Bought a Puffer fish for my grandson. Kindergarten goes from 9am -12; Elementary 8 – 1 and high school 7 am – 2 pm. New three bedroom; like a townhouse – $92000 US. If I had to go to a hospital for minor something cost me about $5.00 US to see a Dr and $5.00 US for medicine. 32 states in Mexico.
Walk a half block to sip our coffee at the ocean’s edge; glint of silver as fish jump; pelican glides past; dolphins play out by the buoys. I gather shells. Maid service; even for dishes. Afternoon naps restore. My host can swim. The pool is glorious. Deep sea diving lessons going on at other end of the pool. Go for a walk; 2 people with whiplash collars on go by in a 15 minute timeframe. Truck goes by with loudspeaker blaring about a sale. Rooster, hen and peacocks in someone’s front yard.
6 am – the serious walkers are out on the malecon. I find the biggest clamshell. Workmen are restuccoing a house. Going to the beach today. Cruise ship as large as a 6 story hotel is way out on the ocean this morning. Real estate shopping. Colorful storefronts. A trip to Beaches 7, 8 & 9. Past their Golden Gate Bridge; Chinese Wall; the 1000 passenger – 25 car California Baja Sur Ferry which is actually the cruise ship I saw this morning. It would take 6-7 hours on this Ferry or a 2 day drive to get to the Mainland; which is where Mazatlan is located. Stayed the day at Tecolate beach – peaceful, quiet, relaxing; turquoise, aquamarine, sea foam green to the deepest blue as we look out to Espirit de Santo Island. Baked stuffed clam in the shell for lunch. Stopped at the shrimp farm; can grow shrimp in a metre of water. See white egrets, a heron; the winding mountain roads; desert like scene; reminds me of Arizona.
On the way home, to the liquor store. The woman who works at the condo makes margueritas for us. I fall down a few stairs. Painful. New kind of shells. Soft yellows. My one roommate is so enjoying the ocean view. Could sit here all day. Read two and half books. Bought a dress made here. The maid gets $15.00 U.S. a day. If she worked centre of town hotel; it’d be $5.00 U.S. Both roommates are off to get lime squeezer for Margueritas. Another, “thought I saw a whale”, moment. This time both of them thought so too for at least half an hour. Time to pack is coming. Nice looking guy here; see him on the last day. Had a great talk with the woman at reception. La Paz used to be a free port with ships from all over the world; all the best; Swiss watches, French perfumes; her grandfather harvested the pearls right here from the Sea of Cortez; and how that ended with the free trade agreement; economy died; went from well off to poverty for most. I guess I have to go home now.
Spent two days in Los Angelas on the way home. Saw the Hollywood sign on the hills and walked most of Rodeo Drive. Did not buy the kid’s gifts there. Most expensive stores I’ve ever seen. Home and into the chaos of work; lots of phone calls. A day later and my head felt like it was going to blow off. Wes phoned right away; was on his way out to play hockey at ten at night; I was on my way to bed. Golf is over; he’s now into curling; hockey and gym.
Went into deep, deep grief over the ones not phoning; the ones who were meeting with me about a second book. Wailing even. Is it a projection of myself not in touch with the wounded part of myself and how painful it is to be living with this? Interesting that the exact outer spot I wounded myself by falling on the stairs in Mexico is an outward expression of exact inner grief area.
Interesting that the thing I most connected with since I came home is the card that is thanking me for giving the presentation on abuse to the social work class. Feel trapped as in there is no down time with so much going on at work; and out of work; have been helping the young Chinese woman learn to drive. I’m glad I’ve been able to see my kids.
Tonight will be with friends; tomorrow night I’ll be being gramma. Saturday will swim with kids; Sunday driving lesson again and then this woman I’m volunteering with is leaving for China which is good for me now. Won’t get into another volunteer thing right now.
Did set a meeting for my Friday off with th three women to do with second book. Friday came and one of three showed up. Makes me wonder what I need to do different. What should my priorities be? I used to be a one project; go 100 mph on it till it’s done kind of person; now it’s like I’m scattered; there’s ME, Mother, Grandmother, extended family, friends, relationship, work, book, volunteering, songs, house, travel, life, books, scrapbooks. The book is pretty far down on my list.
Finished my travel notes about Mexico on the computer and able to email them to about twenty people.
My sister and my niece are staying with me waiting to see dermatologist. Following the car hitting child in daycare trauma, my niece broke out in blisters all over her body; was hospitalized for eight or nine days at local hospital; then sent to City hospital for a few; and they are trying drug after drug; and now thinking a steroid injection. My friend tried reiki for her. I am wondering if the car hit her aura or is it the trauma of what she saw and heard and picked up from everyone else that is trying to get through this. Dad phoned and said ever since it happened his eyes have been raining; as if tears run out of them all the time. Is this all connected?
So much inside me about being inadequate; about myself being an inadequate mother; to my kids; to myself. Where is that coming from? Trying to visualize white light and healing; having one hour sit downs to heal myself; told my sister I believe she can do that for her and her daughter. I believe we have the answers inside ourselves; create what works for us.
Trying to decide how do I work on work only at work? When do I want to work on second book? After work? Doubtful. Wondering. What does a publisher need? Decide I will sort out my scrapbooks of my life; then will sort out my book one way or another before Christmas. Question: what am I comfortable of my life going out of here and being public?
Over next few days still sorting work issues at home; my chest still full of something; painful; but don’t know what it is. Transformation? Realize all the work stuff is about myself too; personal is political stuff happening here. Concern about what others and management at work think about me since I’ve been speaking out.
Asked a guy at work if he will copy the disks of my second book to CD for me. He did it in one day.
Found the letter I hadn’t posted to my friend. Enclosed my Mexico trip writings. Added a postscript about niece having extreme health problems; swelling of feet, bruising, rash, breakouts all over skin; head to toe; like fever blisters; was in hospital nine days in PA; now at my house after saw Emergency here; seeing another dermatologist at eleven am today; will keep her posted. I am well I said.
Bought the most beautiful yellow cloth at a second hand store. A beautiful weaving. An inside knowing I had to give to like my closest friend, a friend who has been so nurturing, caring; and for the specialness of how she has been there for me. At same time, realize I have to say the same thing to myself; that I have been there for my self; through the terrible, horrible things; when I didn’t have anyone to be there for me such as when my sister Louise died; or when I was young; and when I was abused; when my memories came back; confronting people; then and now; how hard it’s been; and for how long.
Woke up the next morning at five am; knew had to take the yellow weaving to
my friend that day; what would usually take an hour walk; seemed to take about half that; as if I floated there and back; put the bag of the weaving inside her door. Later she told me; her sister had died unexpectedly the day before; and that cloth meant the world to her; calling me a goddess for being there for her at such a critical time.
Made a list; love me; love my home; like a hubby; shop for a new fridge; fix cement in my sidewalk; paint touch ups; fix burner on stove or get new stove; clean oven; fix the spray faucet on sink; stove button for the fan needs to be fixed. Recharge fire extinguisher. Clean as good as my sister does; enjoy unexpected surprise gifts; buy myself yellow towels.
Attempted phoning the printer who printed my first book. No answer; no voice mail. Went for a massage; as if I was pulling my energy back into my body. Know nurturing and touch are so needed.
Singing in my head and a song comes out:

I will be gentle with myself
I am a child of the universe
I am gentle when I’m angry
I am gentle when I’m kind
I am gentle with the thoughts
Running through my mind
In caring for each other
Gentleness will reign
Kindness will be my mantra
Learning to love myself again
I am gentle with myself
Caring for myself
Giving of myself in this
Breaking of the day.

I am remembering what a woman writer named Sandra Butler spoke about debriefing and how she talked about living the questions. I guess I’m in this change or transition time; know I have gifts to contribute; have knowings and beliefs regarding society, work and myself. Thinking all the time about strategies, solutions and ideas that might work and would work for everyone else as well. Have my concerns been truly heard? How do you know when someone has been heard? Need balance. Create what I need.
Had an evaluation at work as one year in this new job so probation is over. Manager said he didn’t think all the things I had done and accomplished could have been done, so I guess acknowledgment of what I have been doing.
Still going through, ‘If I show who I really am, people leave or I leave.’ Trying to accept I am okay. I am an enigma to myself as we all are. I’ve read all relationships are a mirror and show us an aspect of self. Do I believe that?
Wore one of my fur coats to the staff Christmas party. Felt so good. It’s beautiful. Had my two dollar pair of boots on and they are quite nice too. Went with a co-worker and her husband. Didn’t ask Wes and he asked me out for the next night. He seems really kind.
Was accepted to be on an Employee Customer Council at work; maybe a way to keep speaking out and not let it build up. Have been trying to focus on the positive at work and home and find new ways to do things. Changed my hours at work. So appreciative that the kids are in touch a lot and we have such a good relationship going on right now.
Friends came over to my house and gave me a donated Christmas tree and helped decorate it. Started going out to my dad’s every two weeks with a co-worker who lives in the same town as my dad. I go with her; have an evening with Dad and back to Saskatoon for work the next morning.
Had ideas for Christmas which feels good. Making a Christmas cactus plant from slips for all my friends. Realize I bought two matching lamps. I read somewhere that matching lamps reflect what type of relationship you have. If you don’t have a relationship you usually only have one lamp.
And then I’m back in a pissed off place. I’m pissed off at work; pissed off at home; as if no one is taking care of me. I guess I’d better do it myself. I guess it’s about learning to speak up to men; say what’s on my mind as it’s happening. Have been debriefing more with colleagues; about how many times I’ve cleaned up other people’s messes. I’m sick of it; not doing it anymore; the making it better for everyone else. Now I’m holding people accountable for what affects me. Do I need to be so over responsible for others? NO.
Still having hip issues; the Louise Hay book says it’s about moving forward with joy. As a gramma, moving into more grown up games; glad we still love the sevens game with the ball against the wall that I played when I was a kid. That is fun. Going to a woman’s gathering for an overnight. Went. About fifty women there. Only knew two. Joined whatever was happening. Went with attitude of ‘Be all of who I am; leave behind what is no longer needed.
The time away was beautiful. A woman’s gathering of loving kindness; caring for each other; singing and drumming; dancing and singing; relax like a cat; with three cats there beside a wood stove; women sleeping by each other; beading for hours. I made a little pouch; filled it full of trust; felt transported by love, reclaimed the enjoyment of being at this retreat centre in the country where I’d been many times before; dancing with the women; learning their songs; singing as we sat on our beds in our pajamas; watching the deer and the birds, morning sunrise from my bed on the floor; twenty three women sleeping on the wooden floor in one room with a fireplace in the middle; the rest spread throughout the house.
The potluck meals were awesome; tremendous amount of food; care for our bodies and care for ourselves; making bath salts; smells from growing up; hyacinth new to me; this whole weekend was only thirty dollars; the last evening’s concert; the spontaneous harmonies; balancing the chakras; a room full of healing going on. Felt as if knew many of the women for lifetimes.
At home thinking about it; wondering about the no tears all weekend with all those women; from me or them; no one showing their pain; always happy; environmental women living on the edge; conservationists. I’m tired and yet so rejuvenated.
Was a great fill me up before Christmas and Christmas was wonderful for me with the kids. Three day of being gramma and we didn’t go anywhere. We built a fort with the kitchen table; had fun playing in the back yard. We loved making chemical reactions with baking soda and vinegar while we cooked and baked. I guess we did go skating a block away.
Jan 1, 2006 – My New Year’s resolution will be to get the second book published. Sorted and sorted for days; changed things around in my house; making rooms lighter and lighter. Put all Book II journals together and brought out the scrapbooks about my life to the living room.
Next day feel like way too much stuff brought out into the open. Hoping my past will be past soon instead of in the present. Will be fifty one years old within a month. Did a bunch of cleaning; made muffins and a banana cream pie. As if all the shit that’s in Book II is monstrous; so overwhelming. Can’t believe the pain; the shit. Many in my life would not know as much went on between the end of the first book in 1995 and when this book ends in 2002. I am in awe of all that went on and that I lived through it.
Debating about doing something outside myself. Went to the New Democratic Party political headquarters. The campaign chair was the only one there and explained how volunteers use the phone; the reason for it and asked if I’d do that? Unsure.
Having another book meeting in about three weeks; wonder if I will have something sorted out about what I need to do. Need to get a lot clearer. Do I need to do another edit? Maybe put it all in a binder. What is holding me back? Want to make sure I’m not hurting the kids. Want someone to listen about my book and it all seems too hard; like I’ll never get it done. Want to spend some time around it; but so hard when my work at the government insurance office is so hard; most days my head is spinning by the time I leave there. Today had a meeting with the parents of another fatality. Last week was another court day; having a bunch of meetings with customers about ending benefits.
Joined Latin dance for my new year exercise plan. Made a list of what I’ll do next on the book. Went out and phoned for the NDP for one and a half hours. Not for me. Won’t do it again. Have to figure out my financial things again. RRSP room; how much I’ve put in already.
Made a list of what embraces me; what nurtures me; what sustains me; what inspires me:
Embraces – caring, hugs
Nurtures – listening inside; massage, spiritual meditation
Sustains – music, family, friends, sameness, roots
Inspires – ideas, people made it stories.
Want love. Have to make space in my life for him, her and /or it.
Work week was so intense. Will rest and rejuvenate all weekend; be ready for next week. Wrote in journal: It’s okay to not know something; to ask for help; to cry; to know why I am crying; I am not less than; I am not weak if I cry; melt downs are good; takes away the walls; the barriers; the protection; sometimes we need them. Listening to the customers; they need to tell someone their pain. If we hold in the pain; our bodies get sick.
How many hundreds of journals will I write and say the same crap over and over.
The tears are here as I write; as if people don’t have time for each other. To be conscious of it all at once is quite painful. Conscious of the pain in the world.
Was explaining to someone how I saw wailers when I was in Malaysia when I was eighteen years old; women wailing as they walked down the street following a dead body being carried. Yesterday going for a massage; knowing I need to cry; masseuse not having heard about wailing and her saying, “Don’t wail here.” Others not knowing the benefits of release or energy flow and thinking crying is wrong. NOT!
Think of the times I have gone screaming in my car in the country; part of me asks did it get me anywhere but recognize it did. Went to a two day Mennonite worship and song retreat. Lots about God and communion even. For me it was good; could share with a close friend I can’t call it God but could call it all encompassing, Still have grief over the music that is gone; notice a difference in the singing; when I compare the Catholic sound to Mennonite sound.
The friend I was with said she could feel spirit entering her through her feet. I didn’t feel anything like that. Is my heart blocked with grief?
Had dream while I was at the retreat that a deep freeze full of food unthawed; all good food and there is no cord to plug it in again. As soon as woke up, wrote out the dream saying I sense it’s these gifts that have been frozen: adaptability, sense of place, discernment, poetry, song, pleasure, passion, friendship and presence.
Over next few weeks as I think of the words I wrote about gifts being frozen, crying immediately happens so hope I can let my gifts shine forth.
I have been given notice that I am out of the bone density study as too osteoporotic. It suggests I go to a doctor. Maybe start some weight training. Went to Latin Dance last night; then out to where my aunt and dad live. Cleaning bathrooms every time I’m there. My aunt and I got into it around Catholicism. She says I’m trying to be the Lord.
I tell her I realize my head has forgiven but my heart hasn’t. Talked to her about no inclusivity in the Catholic church; no equality; I can’t be a priest; I can’t talk about my pain. Told her I could go; to church I mean; for an encounter with God maybe. I could have talked about how it is for me that my son isn’t welcome or if he is; him not having the same rights as me being he is gay; and the pain I experience around that.
Told her about for me, how the words DEVIL is the word LIVED backwards and EVIL is LIVE backwards and that fits for me.
Tried to tell her so much. Did bring up about relatives who call gays faggots and how that hurts and how we are all reacting out of old wounds and old belief systems. Glad I can talk to her about it; give her credit that she’s over ninety and can hear it all. Know I’m not going to shake her belief in Catholicism and not trying to.
Went home and in pain again; had to take a few half days off work; and sort it out again; wondering where I can let out the pain; wondering why the pain? Am I still looking for someone to care? Not taking care of myself? That it can get this bad? Not being able to have emotion around some people? Is it from speaking out to my aunt and my Dad that did it again? Child in me scared of retaliation or something; that God will get me for it; that I was denouncing God. My aunt says forgiveness is the issue.
I don’t think so; there’s something so elemental about this; so sad that I’m in this so bad again. Where can I let out the pain. Hard not to think there is something wrong with me. Not wrong. Destroyed is the word I want to use. Have lightning bolts of pain in upper left side of body and in my head. Even drew it in my journal.
Maybe it’s the realization of the loss of church, the Christ consciousness; the Christian view; the gay marriage debate; the women priest issue; crash course of what has gone before has caught up to me now. Something about the pain of Jesus; knowing the myths; don’t need to carry that burden I was told about; haven’t got to the heart of it; still in my head; my head is telling me throw that shit out; my heart is saying keep it.
I don’t want to work in the injury department anymore.
I care about everything so much. Too much intensity. Too traitorous is my mind; what it’s had to do to protect me. Trails ablazing is in my head. What am I creating? New or Anew? Is anything New? Created? Yes and have to live with what we create. Read a quote about seeds of change. I am uncovering the seed. Going back to the beginning. What is the beginning? Brilliant minds don’t know. Something is OPEN – Opening up to Possibility. Awareness of Pain. Pain inside. Lightning bolts of Pain. How can I tell someone what is going on when I don’t know myself? Have hymns in my head. The word Blasphemy. Questioning. The insignificance of us all and yet the Uniqueness and importance of each person. Each of us has a purpose. When will it not hurt anymore? When it doesn’t matter anymore. I guess that’s when it will happen.
I guess I’ll explain this as like a spiritual crisis; layer is very thin between inside my head and the Spirit. What am I not wanting to hear? My aunt asking, “Can’t you go talk to a priest?” Who is out there for people in spiritual pain?
I guess this is the Spirit of the dying; saying good-bye to the past, good-bye to despair, as I know I am not alone. Have a deep hunger for Life, Light and Love. Guess I have to empty. Have to be okay showing all of me to those who matter. Despair – deepens our calling – in every cell.
I am hurt when no one is there for me is the crux of the matter. Been in like a spiritual crisis for days. Peace; how can there be peace? Acceptance, I guess. Others don’t know the deep pain I’m in or have been in. Does anyone need to know? Does my bearing witness to my own pain assist others in healing their own?