7. Forgiving

Last week when I couldn’t come to our writing club as I had played too much and needed a do nothing day, this is the poem I would have shared:
A girl who deserves to run wild
Be free to sing in three part harmony
To have caring and support
Loving as neire before
Hugs, kisses and wants met
Standing at the door
Living life so well
Her cup runneth over
And still have time to tell
The truth of her existence
And what has come to pass
Resting so easy
At home at last
A lesson in remembrance
Patient as I lay
Down my inattention
And take the time to play.

I wrote that in 2006 and this week I’ve done all those things. Last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I wrote this: Another layer of the onion happening. Feeling unloved. Still wanting to impress others, wanting to be loved, cared about. Scared people won’t like me; are talking about me, pitying me, feeling sorry for me. I haven’t been able to write the story for my writing group. It’s to be a story of a time and place I forgave someone.All of life is a story. I guess I’m doing it at this moment, forgiving myself for not living up to my expectations of myself; that I would be this beautiful woman who moved on from all the hurts of life, who had the answers, who is always kind. Instead I find more layers of hurt and pain and betrayal and fear and guess, in this moment, I am here. I accept this is where I’m at and know that I forgive myself in this moment that I am here. I will change as we do as we move on. Every moment is change as we have another moment to decide how we want to live; what we shall create next. Lots of tears are here.
– February 2016 –


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