ellensagh

12. Unearthing My Knowings

Journal # 88 January 23, 2006 – March 4, 2006

I so care. I am at home today; election day; joyful that I am able to take care of myself, as I transform, transfigure these spiritual breakthroughs I’m hoping I’m going to have. Quite concerned by the pain of it. Yelling and screaming in my car. I guess that’s how much I need to be heard. Spiritual pain grabs me. Becoming conscious of the abuse brings consciousness regarding the church and it is eye opening. The inequality. The place to give voice to our true reality? The church? I don’t think so. Song words from church don’t fit anymore. My son isn’t welcome as an equal. I can’t be all of who I am. Do I want to be a priest? Is that what I am in society? A priestess is what a woman called me.

Peace! How can there be peace? Acceptance I guess. Pain in Jaw. Anger. Resentment. Desire for Revenge. I am willing to change the patterns in me. I can continue living in love; no longer allowing my rights to be violated; no longer swallowing anger. I speak from the heart. I open my heart and sing the joys of love.

I read that osteoporosis can be from feeling no support left in life. It’s gone on for me for a long time. Child in me is feeling lost, alone and distressed. Affirmations might help. I stand up for myself. Life supports me in unexpected loving ways. It’s okay to make noise. FUCK! I’m angry because I couldn’t explain. Now I can. I choose how to speak in a gentle way, that others can hear. The crux is that pain disappears as I release.

Tried singing. Didn’t work. Mad at the world. Really pissed off. Frustrated. Hate. Horrible feeling. Tightness. Tenseness. A woman scorned. Scary, mean machine. Pump up the volume. Get madder yet. Tell the world. Terror begins here. Trust myself. I know. Distress Kills. I mean Business. How much I can not stand. I want things different. If I speak out, blamed. As if something wrong with me. Too intense, too sensitive, too caring.

Work too hard. I am unsure what the answers are. What will work? Who to ask? How to speak my truth and be heard. How to let it out in a new intense way. How people can hear me out. If there was a way to erase what happened to me but can’t. It’s all so conscious now and sometimes so hard to live with the knowledge. I know my everyday actions, motions, moments and decisions come out of this pain, this anger, this intense hurt and I am unsure how to go on.

I haven’t lost my cool yet. I have to lose this to let it go. I believe in releasing the old stored emotional pain rather than holding on to it. Some say the pain is the resistance; the holding on. Is it the fear of the aftermath? If I could say anything I wanted, I’d scream and yell; have someone to tell what it’s been like to be me. But I’m sitting here alone in my own home and although I believe in spirit, an all encompassing universal life force that is so big; I could call it God; covers the mountains; the plains; still feeling like it’s not there for me; wasn’t there for me throughout the abuse happening; the aftermath; growing up; through all these years of pain and yet know; other people can go into churches and say “He is Lord” and I can’t. It doesn’t fit and I don’t know how to get the pain to go away. I am holding on to believing that and I don’t know what I need to do different; maybe be open to there will be a new reality of God, people and Lord will come into my life. Doubt it will be Lord that will assist or support me through. Thinking of maybe going back to Sexual Assault Centre or Tamara’s House. Maybe they would listen to me once a week to do with my book. The pain right now is so intense. What am I not wanting to hear? Maybe that it is all too much? Maybe it’s not worth doing. Why don’t you leave it behind? Why are you bringing it up now? It hurts so much. The real threat is leaving it held in. This is hell going through this; can’t seem to get the pain to go away; to get to the root of it.

There’s a connection to Mom dying and no one being there for me then or now. Many of my family are just being there for themselves. Basically all are as I am. We are all doing the best we can. We are living our lives in our own authentic way; all doing the best they can. I guess I’m saying their best isn’t good enough. Change is required. I want people to look at their shortcomings. What are mine? Have to look at my own. Openness to Spirit. Have I given up on it? I’m not wanting to hear what people are saying to me. Get another job. It’s too painful listening to people in pain. It’s only painful if I take it on and hold it in. It’s not my stuff. Can’t get rid of my own stuff. Can and do; so will continue.

If I were to tell each of my co-workers what I’d really like to say, I’d tell them how sad it is; how much it hurts; how angry I am; how hurt I am; how pissed off I am; how not trusting I am. They’d probably say I’m okay and that’s when the pain comes. I am in pain; I hurt, I cry; I scream. It’s like a cancer; spreads in my head. It’s okay to let it go and let light and love be in it’s place.

Jan 26, 2006 Doing better than I was. Shocked I went through the pain I did yesterday. Feeling today like I’m not a very good mother or a nice person because I’m so angry, hurt, in pain and complaining. I’m still trying to work; as if the pain isn’t there. At home; like lightning bolts of pain in my head with a lump in my neck and in my jaw.

Two days later at two am in my sister’s basement have this song and music in my head.

I will be gentle with myself

I am a child of the universe

I am gentle when I’m angry

I am gentle when I’m kind

I am gentle with the thoughts

Running through my mind

As I sort out all the chapters

Of what has come before

Of all the communions

That don’t fit anymore

I have no end of assistance

Life blood in all those things

I can call on Jesus

Mohammed or all beings

We are so connected

To what has come before

How do we separate

Sacred from folklore

Listen in the moment

Shed the pain of the past

Describe what is happening

Deepen the experience

Detail life

Delve for the answers

Held within the pain

When I take the time to listen

To the child within again

Whose been so lonely and so angry

Hanging out alone

Crying for communion

To what to her was gold

Where can I find it

Visioning again

Can’t seem to remember

What that even means

Blessing of our food

Sitting in a pew

How much can I listen

When it doesn’t fit for _____ me?

There is something held in

The left side of my brain

Connected to what has gone before

The shit, the hurt, the horror

Of abuse at the door

The door of understanding

Is connected to my brain

Down through my heart

And out my voice as rain

Tears of communion

Slide down my face again

Washing away the pain

And agony within

Desperate lives

Of so many do abound

Searching for Spirit

In all things around

Wanting to matter

Knowing there is more

Wanting to reconnect

To what has come before

Unity with Spirit

Of the Life Giving Force

Permeates Us All

And wants to be Endorsed

Something is stuck in me

In my throat and in my jaw

Most is so much better

Most of the pain is gone

I can feel it in my heart

My needing to be heard

The sorrow and the pain

Of all those years has blurred

When I didn’t seem to matter

To anyone or anything

I couldn’t find God or Spirit

In anyone or anything

When actions show NOW caring

Then I feel it is not lost

That people will be there

To help me bear the cost

Now I trust that others

Who have walked the path before

Are with me today

And when I breathe no more

The tears are coming now

From so far, so deep within

Washing away the pain

From the welling from within

It all stuck to the old crap

That was still in store

And couldn’t move through

And felt like forevermore

Explore the old beliefs

That make my head spin

Lightning bolts of action

Leaving with this pen

This is sweet communion

As I connect with the child

Who has always been, is

And wants to run wild

She is full of spirit

In love with everything

Was with me much of life

Especially when I sing

The miracle of birth

And when I was a bride

She was right there with me

Always at my side

I am so happy that

I’m finally breaking thru

Connecting with

I hate to say YOU

Then it means I”m not connected

And have to feel the pain

As the girl was hurt

Over and over and over again

I have to give voice

As its stuck in my jaw

The hell of disconnection

The despair and the loss

The descent without answers

Disgust anger and pain

Depressed emotion

Rising Again

Disturbed distorted degraded ugliness

Deep deep pain

Who wants to hear

Again and again

It’s what I need to do

Give it a second look

Why I wanted the help

Of putting out a second book

Spread the pain around

Not bear it alone

Others will help us

On our journey home

Up to now I have been trying

To build me a home

Find me a job

And not be alone

But the pain has been building

Stuck to what has gone before

This is my understanding

And my throat is much less sore

Oh this is sweet communion

My tears softly sing

As I listen to my voices

A musical ring. January 28, 2006

The left hip pain continues day after day. Have dreams a little girl is all alone in a basement and other dreams of an electrical outlet not working. I am being gramma at my daughter’s house having the song in my head: “I have decided to follow Jesus.” I am changing words to “I am exploring my spirit fully.” I notice I have rosy cheeks several times in last few weeks; like a baby or child. I have not ever had that. Deep blockage no more?

My friend, Janice comes to stay with me in February of 2006. I am having less thoughts in my head all the time. I am grateful. Am ecstatic that my daughter is now permanent with her job. I decide to join a bus tour called Victoria in Spring. Debating about burning my eighty journals; don’t think I will but put them away. Using the gratitude journal my son gave and wrote grateful I am content in most of my life but still have this deep, primordial longing. I imagine for connection.

Went to a single’s dance with a co-worker. Didn’t dance much. Hardly any men there. That old adage about finding a man. There is that longing for connection, love and touch. Having thoughts of whether there is anyone at work who would job share.

Feb 26, 2006 And another song comes:

A girl who deserves to run wild

Be free to sing in three part harmony

To have caring and support

Loving as ne’er before

Hugs and kisses and wants met

Standing at the door

Living life so well

Her cup runneth over

And still have time to tell

The truth of her existence

And what has come to pass

Resting so easy

At home at last

A lesson in remembrance

Patient as I lay

Down my inattention

And take the time to play

Plastic has to end

Plasma is the key

Connecting with the past

For the future us to see

Give me a moment

An hour or two

Give me the chance

To have fun with you

Thinking of my friends

How they’ve been there

So much love and caring

In this world is rare

I want for all the others

As they climb out of their well

The listening and the kindness

That got me through this hell

Let’s make the world of difference

We can create a song

Make the road less traveled

With weariness and wrong

Help is at hand

Even when we do not know

It’s inside ourselves

At the deepest level oh

Listening in the darkness

Allow the suffering

Hear the pain

And the songs will rise again

Pray for a miracle

Doesn’t happen anymore

Open up my heart

Unlock that door

My heart has the answers

Pathway to my brain

Deep within

It’s rising again

Then, memory of my maker

Now, connection with One

Does it really matter

Will it be who won

Ending Separateness

Gentleness and light

Living differently

In the darkness and the night

Living differently

In the sadness of the day

Finding the sunshine

And an energizing way

Live with less

And have a life that’s full

Of laughter and love

And living new

Listen to myself

Let the tears fall

Holding them in

Creates the wall

Doing less at work

Create what I need

Care of what I have

More than I need

Let others feel their pain

Don’t take it on

Listen with compassion

And when they’re gone, it’s gone.

The pain in my shoulder

Of what has gone before

Is a reminder

To shed what is no more

Don’t take care of others

They all have a home

A place of sweet communion

And lots of room to roam

They create as I do

They will softly say

I can listen

I can be the way.

My mind is going again. The way, the truth, the life. Decisions; how do we make them? With our heart; mind or gut? Decisions need to be made regarding my job? My heart says stay. My mind says go. My gut says maybe half and half. Talked to human resources about job sharing.

I am writing all this in a homemade journal, given to me by my cousin and created by Jan Wood; and the next page of the journal is a quote of Jan’s saying “….. not by water, not by wind, notes escaped, became airborne without wings …..not floating, not flying but soaring aloft freed by the singer”

And I write “and this is the connection I speak of; this journal; the writer above; I do not know but on some level our souls know. I need sleep now and tomorrow I will sort some more.” The next day I wonder what the hell is going on. Forty days and forty nights comes into my head. I hope not. The pain is here again; hoping to transcend; lift me up; the moment I cry and use this pen; pain in my throat has eased. The last poem eased the lightning bolts of pain in my head and the lump in my neck and jaw.

Left a message for the professor of social work at the First Nations University of Canada; seeing if she would put the word out asking if there is anyone who could listen to my second book. She left a message back that maybe one of her students could do it as a final assignment for her class on Human Sexuality. Sad that abuse would fit for someone regarding human sexuality.

I’m going through sadness and have a there is NO TIME feeling, which is very similar to there is no one there for me feeling. There IS TIME even though I have learned there is no such thing as time. There is all the support I need.

Unsure I’m ready to commit to do with a job share. There will be a loss; immediate loss of money, and what exactly would I do if I weren’t working? Watch every penny again? What would I gain? I’d keep my sanity; care for myself; have more time but would I worry about money and make myself so busy trying to make money some other way? Would I do this for a limited time to get my second book out? I’m still in such deep pain around something. I can’t decide if inside is telling me to let it go as in let the book go out into the world or let go of the idea. I have all these cards from people over the last eleven years. There is like so much beauty love and caring. I keep them in my living room as a constant reminder.

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