ellensagh

13. Towards the End

I went out twice to Prairietown; seeing Mom in the hospital; now they have her in a transition ward until they find her a bed in a home. When I’m out there; it’s like it’s all consuming. One of my sisters sees her as dying and when I’m with her, she’s really clear. When she’s talking to that sister or Dad she’s all confused. One of my sisters arranged that some of her dresses were cut down the back and fastened together with Velcro. I got emotional every time I ask nurses how she is. They say they can’t really say. I was helping Dad sort out papers and bills.
 I love being a grandmother. Many mornings we go to our usual weekly place. The park. I taped the wind in the trees. Leaves falling to the ground. I love that I can walk over to my grandson’s house in the mornings. He is so alive and fun in the mornings. Pleasure and love.
 I phoned SGI and said I’d still be interested if any full time work became available.
Dad phones. Mom is going to a care home in a small town about 30 miles away from him. I got off the phone and bawled. Why couldn’t home care services have been more supportive? I wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.
 Weird I heard nothing from the church lawyers and weird stuff I am hearing from Tamara’s House. Three to four women, myself included, still meet there on a bi-weekly basis and all of a sudden; are getting a phone call; saying they want us to be paying rent to use the space; and replace any food that is used. We are all survivors. We have been meeting there for a lot longer than any present staff.. Food is at Tamara’s House as many survivors have eating disorder type issues. None of the women I had been with were eating out there. Now women aren’t feeling like going there anymore. First we’re angry, then hurt. In the end, we disbanded the group that was called New Hope and started meeting in my home. My counselling wasn’t doing any great shakes for me anymore. I’m paying $10.00 a time.
Sept 16/99 The SGI auto claim manager phoned. I returned that call pretty quick. I am offered full time employment as a clerk for six months. I told him I would need a 2 week resignation time from the job I was in and asked if I could let him know the next afternoon.
 I resigned the next morning and phoned SGI and said YES. That weekend when I went to Prairietown, I felt rich; less worried that I would be overwhelmed or fall apart. I saw the moon set for the first time. Didn’t know it did that.
I went to a public presentation at the library where a guy that does energy balancing gave a presentation. I think he was called a shaman and said it’s all in the breath. To energize yourself, to breathe in to the count of six and out to the count of four. To go to sleep, do the opposite, breath into the count of four and out to the count of six.
 I think of having a regular pay cheque and the dreaming starts; maybe I’ll buy a set of pots and pans; use a passport and wonder what a financial planner does.
 New journal again and called it, ‘Journey of my Self Freedom. I went with my sister to see Mom. Mom did not recognize her. Mom could still walk but barely. Had to be helped out of bed and to the bathroom. I was okay when I was there with her but as soon as I left, I was crying. Wondering if she is dying; is she going to get better or am I in denial? Came back from seeing mom and was laying on the couch; and as if I was journeying; only word for it; as if I’m flying through a valley; can see the mountains on both sides of me and clear view of this valley; trees on the side of the mountain, thick trees like reminds me of the Congo pictures I’ve seen.
 In such grief days, I wish I had a place to lay in the sun. The guy I was seeing had moved into an apartment across the street from me. He had a living room that faced south. Thinking maybe I could ask him if I could lay in his living room window and did.
 Once a week since August had been meeting with a co-facilitator and added a safe worker to plan the next Tamara’s House Thanksgiving Retreat Weekend. It’s now the second last meeting and not worried about anything but have this big time grief inside about Mom and changing jobs again.
 I had a dream about a woman who was all prepared and had nothing to worry about;that she is all alone and has read everything.
I signed the agreement SGI mailed to me agreeing to the $1700.00 a month Clerk I job. I would be starting soon and wondered if I would go in the smoke room for my breaks or go for a walk. The caregiver project staff had a good-bye lunch for me and the steering committee and board came for a come and go tea. Before, if someone said they loved my leadership, I wasn’t able to take it in. In this instance I could.

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