ellensagh

Journal # 94 -April 2007 – September 2007

I sometimes feel like I don’t know what is happening but really do; am creating a life of love, love fulfilled, sweetness and light, not alone in the dark times; trusting in a benevolent universe, tried and true, I’m new and different, yet have seen the world, no longer have the hurts left over from the girl; listening inside. I am a woman now with age old wisdom, caring and lightness and yet the playfulness, joyousness of the girl. My kids, Wes, friends, work files; all lotus blossoms of my life, achieving completion.

Friday night was pivotal; Wes bought a new bed. I think of us as us; me staying the night for the first time; he making the barbecue steak, us going for a long walk. What a great night!

Saturday back home, my friend and I cleaned and changed things around in my house; then Wes and I went out for the evening. I met more of his life. Over the next few days; the song ,“We must find love” changed and is now coming out as,“I have found love.” I was even able to sing it to him. How wonderful the sharing, the touch, the caring, the openness We talk, cuddle; enjoy each others company. The morning and the nights are terrific. Tingling from head to toe.

Being gramma for walks in the country; went to see crocuses; taking golf clubs to a golf range, and playing jacks all feeling fun and fullfilling. Still seeing auras around people. Now spending weekends at Wes’. He makes different dishes. Brunch; a veggie omelet with salsa. Awesome and yesterday; french toast with melted cheese and canned tomatoes on top. How good is that!

April 29, 20007 COLLAGE: “Finding new ways to see the Light, comfortable with Truth; wanting Health for everyone. Living the Life I always Wanted, filled with warm and reassuring friends, soul stirring moments, treasured things from the past. I like how I look, the richness of the life I have developed; music, learning balance. Still live in the practical way, simple, natural, lately more in touch with the feminine side. Exceptional nights. I’ve attempted and attained a way to make life comfortable, like decorating from scratch. I know that things are better. Fill myself with good food, energy, up to me to become the curator of my own gallery; to change the exhibit as I explore the depths as they arise. Less is still more. I fit my lifestyle. My life is in the making. Family and fitness are important. It is important for me to find new ways to express myself as I ease through life with class. Create my own way of being. Touch with Gentleness and Warmth captures the radiance of relationship. I can tell him my present. Future is unfolding. Want my life to be warm and natural; inspired by all of who I am, rich in color and texture, keep the comforts of home I’ve experienced and see the next fifty years as my growing years with infinite possibilities for travel, adventure, golf, enjoying sunny days, keeping life simple and know I will find and have all I need.”

It’s 4:30 am and I’m sitting in the dark listening to a meadowlark. The sky is lightening in my front window. I love my house, love the look of the fireplace, even if I haven’t used it; it’s been beautiful. Love that the kids were all here for supper last night. Today, it’s seven years ago that mom died. Dad says the seniors are happy I’m coming out to do a singsong. He said his legs have been shaky; so has been outside walking down back alleys; practicing walking as wants to get the golf cart running tomorrow.

So exciting for me all that has been, is and may be with Wes. Been incredible, sweet, tender, caring moments and today the word devoted is here. Love that he phoned Monday and the message he’s giving is that it seems long in between us seeing each other. Does to me too. Know these last few days my mind is non-stop in the future.

All seems in sync. My apricot tree in bloom. Lots blooming. I registered at one of the city’s main courses for golfing with women from work; won the main prize; the pink golf bag. Wes asked if we want to golf Prairietown and whether I’d like to go away for a day with him. I would love it. I shared my collage with him. He is so easy to be with! Did a first. I went and had nails done; gel nails; a french manicure. I like it.

The Prairietown thing was a bit much. Kind of overdid it; but was able to get through without too many aftereffects. Connection and integration happening I guess. Wes picked me up at noon Friday. It was raining; so could not golf but met Dad for lunch. Then Wes and I went on this tour of the Prairietown area; past the house I’d been in when I was married; not only in town but drove past the one on the farm; and then we were close so went out to the farm; my growing up house; driving right into the yard; so much gone; so small; the condemned house, the falling down house; couldn’t get out; could hardly talk; driving down the road; explaining the neighbor’s; the church; feeling so awful inside.

He kept driving; through the town I went to school in; and then we were back in Prairietown. Supper with Dad and my aunt. It was one of their once a month suppers so I had brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews there. I played music with Dad; and then Wes and I booked into our hotel room. Thank goodness I could talk to him. Talked and talked and talked. Explained the song in my head, “Give me a reason to go on”. Glad I was able to get through it while it was happening.

Dad’s shirt had a hole in the elbow. I noticed the spots all over my aunt’s clothes. She got up and gave a speech before the dinner and dancing. She is getting so deaf. We all had a glass of wine after dinner; my aunt two; and I remember asking my sister if she thought she was drinking a lot to which my sister answered, “At 95 years old; who cares?”

Wes said he enjoyed it. I fell asleep on his couch as soon as we were back to town; and woke up to his saying, “that’s the girl I love.” I went into something after I was home; guess it was revisiting the childhood wounds once more. Cold sores broke out on my mouth; lots of emotion; some deep stuff happening, heat waves radiating off my back; pouring off me. Really happy I have work, a career, fun, life, living well.

A summer of love. Wes asks if I’m interested in going on a trip to Montreal or the Maritimes. Maybe. He talks about what retirement might be like. Wondering aloud if he would want a fifth wheel and go from place to place in the summer. Doesn’t think so as has membership at the golf course and just about lives there every day. I must say, we have been going somewhere in Saskatchewan each weekend to golf or see something different. Saw the largest tree in Saskatchewan; a cottonwood by the river, up by a Doukabour site; and also did the Saskatchewan crooked bush sight seeing trip.

I have lots of wondering if we have what it takes for a lasting love. I question whether I’m looking at him like a knight in shining armour or is it reality. Revisiting the love I had in my marriage. Where did that go? A lot of thoughts of , I want to live with him; then next minute, what if it was a mistake and then think, so what if it was. I tried and if it didn’t work, it didn’t.

Rereading my second book. Do I want him to read my first? It is still very hard to show any emotion in front of him. Started golf lessons at the university. Need them as we went to the Oasis at Perdue. Fifty-seven and sixty-two. Home by noon on Sunday. Glad I’m still doing the gramma things. The two of us to the park in the rain; made a clubhouse in the shed; played darts; used the water hose to fill the water guns; shooting wasps and played a dice game. Next day I take him to school.

Golf lessons must have worked as I won a gift certificate for closest to the pin. Not really, but am getting between fifty six and sixty now on nine.

Spent a five sister weekend and some great time with Dad. Lots of talk about Wes and I. I told them I think a lot about us living together. Will we? Don’t know. Left the weekend for a work week at a northern golf resort. Love the smell. The minute I am out of the vehicle; like transported to a different world. The natural world of the north.

Wes missed me. When I’m back home; he spends time with me; we talk for hours; he’s reading my poems and songs; looks at my picture albums. For days I go around with those same songs and poems in my head. I love his patience, his gentleness, his calmness; the oneness between us; that we FIT; that we talk. He said even when we’re not together; as if still a connection between us.

July 2, 2007 Collage: “Remembering who I am. How do I define my life? Born and born again. Listen inside for clear reception. Living an ordinary life in a non ordinary way. Bringing balance to my busy life as it is newly expanding. Sounds of summer. Still am independent. Want to sing, dance and play music but am living a changing life with an incredible man who loves himself; is able to care for others; an impressive man who treasures life. I’m happy. He seems reliable; wants a best friend; says he loves me and I feel a bond. It is refreshing. I come from the old Catholic background. It seems behind me. I do feel very loved. It is a gamble in the game of life. I’ll take the chance and play with confidence. I bring the country to the city. Am beginning to envision our future. The country lifts my spirits. I am prepared for the best life ever. I treasure my friends; my hobbies. I like learning; travel; golf; my quest for consciousness, self-awareness, shining a light, my light in the world. I am a leader, an original and I will always listen and protect what’s inside and outside of me; am grateful for Life and the Natural. I AM – want to celebrate it in some way; unsure how that will unfold or how our future will. Dreams and opportunities will arise as I follow the deep love inside. Feel at a soul level and Listen to that. Changing Future. Deep love of the land. We need to be able to rely on the land and water. Boil water advisories scare me. Always changing, always moving to the next level. My exploration will continue, whether Canada, Saskatchewan, my relationship, my life. I plan to enjoy the riches knowing A Great Relationship stands the test of time. I can Celebrate that. Health, Great Food and live flexibly. Happily ever after in a home of Comfort and Joy!”

For days felt good about life; then issues seemed to rise from all over. Knew it was time to ask my friend for rent money. Tried to figure out what Social Assistance pays and start with that. A bat gets into the basement bedroom. Thankfully, we have the neighbor who expels bats for a living. At work, appeared again as an appeal hearing witness and when the manager comments, “We’ll make an expert witness out of you yet,” I retort, “I was one prior to ever being here.” Knew I was angry and then I spiral into shame, as if I talked back to him.

July 8, 2007 Wes and I are^,on the ninth hole of a country golf course when we talk out loud about someday living together; and how maybe we’d explore a pre-nuptial agreement. I didn’t hit the ball very good after that. That night I dream I’m entering a new house.

Went to visit Dad several times. He says he’s weak, has been doctoring and now staying at my brother’s home. He told me doesn’t know how to describe it; just feels weak. Sitting at Wes’s the day after I’ve been with my Dad; journalling about him and my aunt, wondering how it will all play out. My aunt is losing her sight.

I guess knowing death is inevitable; we have to get ready for it. All the years of my grief or feeling lost and alone; not feeling that now. This is different. Know this as a coming of a natural end. So glad I have had them so long in my life. Sill have so much wonderful. Know I have had much more than so many people.

End of July, Dad, at eight-five, learns he has an aorta bleed in the abdomen. My aunt has a type of surgery on her eye as it may save a bit of sight.

Songs non stop in my head which wouldn’t be bad; but my head is so full of emotion. Everything bugging me. Left arm shoulder grief; not sleeping; worried all over the place; at my son not having a job; at work the neediness of people; at home, the amount of money I’m spending; how much time I’m spending with Wes; decision we’ve made to go to the Maritimes; me booking a bed and breakfast there; going to see Dad a bunch; been asked and wondering if I’ll go to Columbia with girlfriends; the people next door having a dangerous illegal fire pit.

Wes and I still talking about living together; but on another level, having worrying thoughts; does he really want me; how would we ever do the commitment thing; the ring or marriage thing; had that once; it didn’t work. I know society does some funny things in the big scheme of it all. I guess I’m letting go of my expectations of happy ever after. My daughter does not want to go to the family reunion.

Mid August and I’m still doing a lot of processing. I went to the Sexual Assault Center; talked about Dad; his aneurysm surgery coming; my growing up; the sadness that is there; the tired feeling; like holding it in. I also have fear going on; like a bladder infection feeling; know it’s to do with Dad being sick; my aunt losing her sight; so much going on. I had the kids over for supper the other night; really enjoyed taking them out to a country golf course.

Spent the weekend at a sisters so could visit Dad in respite. He has an end of August surgery date.

Came home to Wes talking about how he measured his place to see if my piano would fit. He told me where the extra key is and that my family could use his extra bedroom if needed when Dad is in city having surgery. I still feel uncomfortable talking about a pre-nuptial agreement. I’ve stayed at his place near every weekend since June; have golfed with him either on Saturday or Sunday and had the other day to myself. My golfing is probably better; now 53 and 56 or something like that. I went to my first ever NHL game. Who would have thunk? See more game on TV than you do from the stands.

I am more concerned about Dad these days; and spontaneous crying just seems to happen. I guess that’s grieving. He had his pre-op. I am tired; with all the goings on; lots of family at my house; forgot that Wes and I had steak supper tickets at his golf course. Tells me I’m not freaked out anymore about feeling good enough to be there. Also tells me I am really tired.

Dad has surgery. Doctor says went well; but as days go by all is not well. Fluid on lungs turns into infection; he’s back in intensive care. Sisters taking turns staying with him. I work; go to hospital at noon; back to work and then go again. Wes meets me there most nights.