ellensagh

7. Living Life Free

Journal # 83 February 3, 2004 – October 5, 2004

Feb 4/04 My daughter started typing my book today. She typed ten hours over next few days for one hundred dollars worth of groceries. At least that’s what she said she’s going to do with it. Unsure about putting in for a grant from Tamara’s House but will do it anyway. Did. Went to a dance class with a guy that was built. I couldn’t do the cha, cha but the rest went well.

Dream: I have just jumped off a pier in ocean and don’t know if can get back to shore.

Other than that, I’m spending time at a spinning class; as in wool, dance class or walking with my marathoner friends. Have talked to a few real estate people about housing. Debating about ending singing at my house; have thought about it for months. Even wrote practice emails saying I’m feeling squeezed as have joined new activities; but then I find myself saying to someone “when your friend who likes to sing is coming to Saskatoon we’ll have singing” or I’ll say, “I like spontaneity ; so if someone just wants to sing; just phone; or if someone wants to just come for tea; that would be great.” The email never went; so I just phoned and told the woman who sends out the emails want to end for awhile.

Heard that having matching bedroom lamps is a sign of a healthy, intimate relationship. Now saw two beautiful lamps in Ten Thousand Villages. Excited. Have the money.

Went to a workshop where we were to write about Joy in our lives. I wrote, “I can bring my essence to the fore. I want more intimacy in my life. Now what does that mean? with a relationship to a man or in all areas? my work? my creating? I have passions for country living, singing in a concert hall, living life deeply, emotions, poetry readings. I’m remembering my poem “Oceans of remembrance, it’s depths so dark and deep….” I have passion for learning, reading, singing, playing piano, for words, writing my poems, the 80 journals.”

Went for a river walk with a friend and saw a bald eagle. It was just before I went to the last sweat knowing the woman leader is moving away. Connected with grief. Not knowing about what. Didn’t feel I belonged there and she spoke of how quiet I was; sensed my struggle. How much I struggle is palatable even to me. That they recognize it is appreciated and yet know doesn’t change anything and yet, support does. Others can listen; helps express deep pain of what was so I can move beyond it.

My heart will provide answers. Ex: my singing when I am with others. “Listen to me please, my heart sings” is a song line I wrote: Embrace my epiphanies. Examine my life over and over to get back to who I really am.

Living life lovingly

Laughing through the tears

Lest U be Seen

Laughing in the darkness

Lessons in Love

Emotion is Here

Itching to get out

Infinite possibilities

Cast inside and around

Being who I am

Shine on

Heal myself

Help others

Transform our world

History repeats

Till we hear our call

Claiming to be one

Calypso

Chrystalis centred

Crashing Thru Fear

Raging Inferno Can’t

Banish Existence

Carrying on

Generational Angst

Allowing it’s Exit or

Entry into Oblivion

And Enter a new day

Dreaming

Discovery

Desperate no more

Descent into hell

is disconnection

Deepest desire

Divisions aside

Delusions destroyed

Awe

At one

Heartfelt happening

Hail peace

Harmony within.

Mar 6/04

As the sun came up, went into freezing, shivering, in my body as I wrote the previous pages; lots of deep emotion happening; unsure where I fit in the world. Thinking about recognition and how that plays out when it is needed in one’s life. Existing, being valued and the bigness of fear of rejection.

Where am I at today? At mid-life and have packed lots of living into first half. I am OK with where it’s at, direction it’s going and know I can change it at any time. Feeling OK about my life and my friends. Hopeful about the future. Life is a reflection of who I am. Where do I want to be tomorrow? Moving on. Seek new opportunities to add dessert. Spend time creating. Continue book? Regrets?

Is my book a way to process or a way to hold onto the past when the future is totally unknown. Who would understand how much I wanted to be there for women; to serve as a calling, felt I was doing that when I was part of creating Tamara’s House. I know I moved on to a place where I can do that in each moment, where ever I am, whatever I am doing but still missing the passion or whatever was part of creating Tamara’s House.

A friend still wants me on that dating site, so I write, “Hi my name is Sharon and I’d be interested in meeting with you if we have some things in common. I like deeply connecting with people and the contrast as well – alone times. I am interested in what is going on in the world so like discussions about a wide variety of topics. I love the country, going for walks by the river and really like golfing. I’m learning how to dance and swim so all in all am enjoying life. I’m not yet fifty and my daughter and son have been on their own a number of years. I am a gramma and that is fun. I like simple, believe less is more.”

Why I need Space

To be me

To be who I am

To expand

To be all I can be

Unleash hidden dearth

Herald a new age

Hospitality

Help others less fortunate

Hold up my life

End of A Bargain

Struck with who

God of my Childhood

Work if you want

A right to be here

“And whether or not it is clear to you , No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should” Turns into someone else’s writing.

End of April; days after I put the blurb about myself on the professional computer dating site; my computer crashes.

May 2004

Back in the tough stuff. What do I do? Be a friend to myself. Universal life force. Walk with me. That includes Jesus. Mom, my aunt. All who’ve been like a mother to me. Wanting to be gentle with myself. Holding on to the tension no more. Broken lives I see at work; at home. It’s their journey. I don’t have to feel their pain. I no longer carry pain. It’s okay to let it go. I can take better care of myself. It’s OK to say NO, I can let it go without understanding it. Happy Mother’s Day; I’m not doing this for months anymore. How hard it is at work to confront people. Want to make different memories for my daughter. Is this healing? Is this helpful to anyone? Where does emotion come from? How hard it is to do the injury job! Need to say what is really happening. Reminder to me. I am doing OK. I am OK. I don’t have the time I would like for working with customers but I do the best I can with what I’ve got. I have told them what they need to hear. They are not at a place to hear it. What do I need to hear? I am loved. I am lovable. What have I not been able to hear? I still hurt. I still have so much pain. Coffee is a drug. Time to relook again at what is truly important in life. Where I am going and what do I need to get there? Stones draw out pain. Release painful experiences. Something about spiritual pain; not being able to back up what I believe. Still remember the old songs and hymns in my head. Walk with me,talk with me. Can still sing the song, can still go to church but can’t find a connection. My spiritual connection is through people, plants,animals, birds and at work. Same Source. How to feel backed up. What fills me up? What backs me up? Backbone. Stand up for what I believe in without abusing others. Is it never having anyone to rub my back? Having no one to care for me; as an adult? That’s what the dating site was about. That’s what’s wrong; in last while; not taking care of myself. Rest. Finding a large lounger is an example of what is required. Saying good-bye to mom again; to my aunt. I am OK. I am hurting. I am releasing all the pain. I no longer have to store it . It is safe to let it go. I am tired of being held captive. Free to do anything I want. Responsible to do something. What? Live at this level. If I am going to give to others; what am I giving to myself?

Mother’s Day is hard. One child took me for supper, one child called. Was still in the pain for days. Cold sores on my lips. Stuff stuck in upper back. An extreme. Is it missing religion or is it another good-bye. Don’t feel connected to it. More of an “I feel rotten” feeling.

A guy; not from the dating site, but one from a group I’ve been in; asked me for a date. Went. It was OK. Wondering if swimming is the issue that I have this body pain? That doesn’t make sense. Woman at the Sexual Assault Centre said write a third book; maybe have to keep expressing. Maybe the child in me is feeling overburdened re work, lending my kids money, finishing the book, swimming, grief over mom and my aunt. Maybe I’m understanding how long this has gone on and that it’s not over or the new decisions I’m making. Golf at the Willows isn’t going to change anything except maybe my self-confidence.

Went to the Willows for golf with the women from work. Was no great shakes. Stayed home from work one day and during the day, realize it is the anniversary of mom’s death. I’m starting to go easy on myself regarding the decisions over money and golf, having a date, learning front and back crawl; and even getting over my fear of water. This is my life. Day off and let out the tears! Most of the body pain is gone. Just a bit in top right upper back and shoulder; something still bugging me; but seems out in the world; carrying what is not mine.

Wrote out a list of who I’ve been: Farm Girl, Child, Student, Adult, Mom, Community Activist, Wife and Mother, University Student, Hard Worker, Survivor, Fighting for what Is Right, Survivor of the Court Process, a Healing Writer, Poet, Publisher, Teacher, Healer, Grandmother, Clerk, Motherless, Childless, Student, PIR, Traveler, Renter, Plaintiff that Settled, Government Worker, Marathoner, Retreat Facilitator, Arizona & BC Traveler; Wanter of an Acreage, Song Writer, Author, Dancer, Singer, Dreamer, Walker, Mother & Grandmother, A Date, Supporter For My Children, A Friend, A Swimmer, A Golfer.

And what did I read at my sisters on a poster? “I am Me on the Greatest Journey I’ll Ever Be On. -Life”, or something like that.

The person I rent from gets the house I’m living in evaluated and wants to know if I want to buy it. What to do?

My eyes have seen the darkness

My eyes have seen the light

Release what no longer fits

And live like stars of night

Live and let go

Live and let go

Watching the sunrise. Act of journalling allows the emotion. Surrender to what is trying to get free. Compassion is required.

My boss suggests my daughter apply for the same job I have after I tell him of the come and go we had celebrating her sociology university degree. I went on a coffee date with same guy I was with a few weeks ago. Fine but no great shakes. Still feel a little uncomfortable walking together. Touched on subjects galore like politics, religion (mostly about Baptists, which I don’t know much about), divorce, support groups, his ethnic background, his sales work and forgiveness. (He says he’s a real Christian).

I have four days off and feel awful. Down. Grief, Crying yesterday. Is it Book Two being finished and I still want someone to hear me out; understand? Know I’m trying to come to terms with whether I want a man in my life? Why can’t I phone regarding houses? Would I want a revenue house? This morning got up and pulled out my second book again. Is it still me thinking people should know what a survivor goes through or is it me wanting someone to understand? Going golfing again. There’s lots of put downs going on in my head. Like “get my life decided.” Is what I’m trying to do is have my whole life decided so not in those scary in between moments?

Golfed a fifty-six at the Willows. Trying hard to decide if I should continue. Eating and a beer is another twelve dollars. Went to two open houses this weekend. Saw both my kids, was gramma for lots of it, golfed twice, and went to the Berry Barn. Thought about the acreage for a year; must not supposed to be or I would have done something about it. First thing this morning phoned the Sexual Assault Centre; cried, actually wailed, which helped. Had been fighting phoning them.

Going to work and then leaving early and to my daughter’s convocation and the supper. BIG EVENTS in our lives. SO PROUD OF HER. She may have a job lined up. Her and I look at two houses.

June 1, 2004 – Bought a house. Offer accepted. Bank stuff went fine. New use for a lawyer. Left side of head aches. Big red dot on the energy centre in the middle of my forehead. Like swollen up and red. Too much thinking. House inspection above average. How can things go so fast sometimes.

A day away with the two friends I walk with. I got up early; cleaned the car and car windows and picked them up. It was still early in the morning and off to the country. We stop when a big air balloon is just over us. I had a bottle of wine in the car and we stood in the country before nine in the morning having a toast to life.

We then head to a friend’s acreage for a tour of her yard. Time for a breakfast out; through a tree nursery and green house; the farmer’s market; to the Forestry farm for some sitting in the shade; an artisan’s market walk through, swimming for an hour; then to an art gallery for tea, drive to the country for a walk along the river; past Cranberry Flats; back into town and through a store called the Bamboo Bistro before I took them home.

Signed all the bank papers. Cashing in terms. Scary. Dreampt: “Little child in pool and I grab him from under water; holding him trying to get him to breathe again.” Think I’m freaked out about signing the mortgage papers, seeing the amount of money required for electricity, water, power, taxes, lawyer and the mortgage blew me away.

Was invited to return and give a speech to the public for the Tamara’s House annual general meeting. Did. Board member said how well I ended the year for them. Felt good to have contributed; to matter.

Life is Love Expressed.

Love is Life Expressed.

Went to a movie with a different date and flew a kite being gramma.

July 1/04 – Got the keys and happy I have a month to move. There’s a room downstairs in my new house; will it be a processing room for all my writings; or a playroom, a walk in closet; a coming together room? Every day I take someone different through the new house; everyone has a different idea for this room: a wine-making room? A dark room for photography? My piano is now moved. Everything went so smooth.

I’m a little stressed. Second night in my new house, I lock myself out at six in the morning; step out on the porch with my nightgown on and the door automatically locks behind me. Went outside to the backyard; looked all over for a spare key in case the last owners left one somewhere; looked in the shed. I think it used to be a single car garage but no more than a garden shed now. NO key. Pulled up the picnic table to my bedroom window; cut the screen and climbed in the window. Glad for the hedges; hope the neighbours didn’t see.

Been having several dates with two different guys; a movie; a dinner out; golfing, an afternoon of picking strawberries, saskatoons. Enjoyable.

Bought a beautiful bougainvillea for my front yard. I thought they could only grow in Arizona but the lady at the Farmer’s Market said okay for here; in fall; bring it in. Feeling I have in this house is, ‘As if I so belong.’ Wonderful feeling. My niece moves into my basement for a week while she attends volleyball camp. There’s a whole suite with a kitchen; stove, fridge and all. Would I ever rent it? Don’t know. A friend from Calgary with a husband and two kids phone that they are coming to Saskatoon next week for three nights. She wants to see me; and I invite them to stay with me. All so easy. They can use the suite downstairs.

Feels weird to sit in backyard; to have flowerbeds to care for. Went for a walk; closed in; unfamiliar feeling in the neighborhood. Don’t have the wide open spaces view over the river. Now have an older treed neighborhood. At five am this morning two girls about fifteen years old just walked down the street trying doors on vehicles; and my yelling, “What are you doing?” didn’t even phase them.

I like working in the yard.

Wrote a friend in early August: “Exciting to be at my new address; wonderful being in this home and how it’s felt since I got here; like home; like I belong. A friend who practices reiki and reflexology paid a minimal rent and used the suite downstairs for clients. My sisters have been here overnight. Together we went on a sister weekend; an art tour in northern Saskatchewan. We were given a map and we’d take off to someone’s yard and there wouldd be about twenty vehicles there. One place was an underground house; another a woodcarver; another a woman giving a pottery demonstration with clay on a wheel making a pot, a cup and a plate before our eyes. We had two nieces with us and they were enthralled. One woman’s paintings so stirred my soul.”

Had about fifty people see my house in first two weeks. Lots of times when they’d say, “ I’d love to see your house”; I’d ask if they’d meet me at the house by the river. They’d help me bring two to three boxes over and then they’d have their tour and tea. The next day at my lunch break I’d go to my new house (takes six minutes to walk to my new house from work) and unpack. In a couple weeks; only had my eight big belongings: the table, three chairs, bed, dressers and deep freeze to bring over. It worked like a charm. No big move and as if I’ve always been here.

Still in deep stuff sometimes; grieving what was or something. Organized a trip for Dad and my aunt. I’d drive them to Medicine Hat and then they’d go on a ten day bus tour to see relatives in BC and Alta. I got them there and had a day of crying all the way home. Drove through Cypress Hills; would have been nice to share with someone but didn’t matter; I loved it through my tears. In the present, what is so awful? Nothing except my nails. Fed up with them as is. Unsure I like the teak bedroom set I bought second hand. Have never had a bedroom set. It suits the house.

Made apple juice from the three apple trees out in the yard. Mowed my lawn for the first time; the internet is hooked up. My son helped clean the eaves; a friend gave me two names for fixing the roof flashing.

Went for my medical yesterday; pap test; am five feet and five and a half inches, one hundred and twenty six pounds. Have to fast for twelve hours for blood tests, have a mammogram today and appointment is being set for a bone density.

Playing darts is the thing to do these days as gramma. Hide and seek or squirt guns around the backyard or nicest nights are going for a walk. (We call it a journey,) stopping and talking to people with dogs. Long talks.

I notice when someone says something good about someone or something; crying comes for me. Heart opening. Gratitude.

Doctors office phones. All tests normal; except cholesterol is high.

Love my mornings of sitting in the east window; seeing the sun rise; or just being in the sun.

My friend bought me a ticket to a Sexual Assault Centre fundraiser. On the way there, I cried and wailed in her car thinking about her and I; the past. Tears are here. Grief.

Write in my journal lots. Crying as I write: Sept 12, 2004 “Am skeptical unless I know something is true; like I have to experience it; how flustered and unsure I get if I don’t know something; like I can’t ask for something, if I don’t prepare beforehand. Let own inner genius make the decision; let the conscious mind off the hook. Cell memories are accessed in place where the inner intelligence is; body wisdom. For me, it’s the inner knowing that’s connected to all that is; Spirit inside and out; soul level; it’s when we’ve been wounded we put layers around this spirit. Crying assists in releasing the layers. Still want to be loved, to be cared about, to be understood, acknowledged, to be someone people want to spend time with, to matter.

I’m crying the rage of no one being there to help me when I was growing up at home, when I was married; so many times in my life. Hard to have or feel pleasure; it is so much about getting through. Wonder if I have too much going on? I do appreciate all the things people have done for me; if I read a letter of joy, anything about gratitude, I cry. Maybe my heart is overflowing. I cry when I read about a person’s devastation at their father’s death. So much grief always. Who Am I? Expansiveness. Energy. Love. Ease. Conduit who cares and listens.”

I’m going to take another insurance class and register for ballroom dancing. Have no one to go with though. Doing well at work anyway. Presented with a five year pin. Thinking about giving my first book to a city councilor; get his feedback about fundraising for Tamara’s House or how to get the second book published; as have developed tools for public education, for churches, community organizations.

Wonder if I’ll be alone all my life; don’t have much faith in the dating program I joined. Kids having each other over for supper makes me cry. They wanted me to go to Mass. I could but don’t want to. Feel disconnected, disjointed from life, friends, my kids. My computer hasn’t been working. I’m in downer space. Took out my Book II yesterday; can’t get into it or see any reason to publish at this point. As if have been gone too long from myself; from taking the time to reflect; as I’ve been out every night.

I was asked again to be a board member for a different organization but still to do with helping women. Don’t see that as my purpose but crying about what my purpose is. Not feeling the passion I used to about the needs of survivors. In the deepest feelings is truth I think; heal the hurting comes to mind.

Been writing down ideas I have: get firewood for having a fire in my fireplace; put a door out of my bedroom; maybe a wrap around deck; hot tub on the deck some day. Cherry colored bath towels; want women of the world welcome here. Men of loving kindness as well. Would like to get a barbecue, hedge trimmer, chair felts, a potato fork, hardwood floor cleaner and flannelette sheets.

My summer average for eight games of nine holes of golf is sixty four.

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