ellensagh

Hear me cry
Hear me cry
Heaven isn’t here
I want to die
Dying’s giving in
To what they said
To breaking silence of the dead
The dead in me that used to be free
It’s all locked up
I have the key
The key of love
Unlocks the chains
Of a girl in torment
A girl in pain
I want to store up
Memories for you
Memories of kindness
Love and truth
So as I go
About my day
I think of you first
Let you have your say
Say it out loud
Out loud and clear
How you were hurt
By those so dear
I was hurt
Hear me cry
A part of me
Wants to die
There I was
Living in fear
Living in fear
Year after year
Well now I take
Good care of me
I want to be happy
I want to be free
I can’t be free
If I can’t sing
So listen to me please
I have something to tell you.

Am I ready to listen
To my heart sing
To put me above
Over everything
my work, my glory
My wanting to be loved
My fear of reprisal
From God above
From all the shoulds
And what I ought to do
Am I able to say no
And to mine own self be true
I’m ready to sing
In three part harmony
Layers of dirt
Will fall off of me
And as I shed
My skin of shame
I won’t feel like
I am going insane
As I speak out
The torment and pain
The fear will come out
The terror and shame
I’m ready to listen
I’m ready to sing
I’m ready to listen
I’m ready to sing. Mother’s Day May 12, 1996

If I had a wish
A wish for you
It’d be that you have
No more days of blue
Nor more worries or cares
Or days of pain
Or days when it’s like
Nobody’s sane
Days of noone
Caring enough
I’m glad you’ve learned
How to be tough
To be there for yourself
All these years
You’ve had reason
For all you’re fears
You’re ok
And you always were
And I’m hoping
That this coming year
Is easier for you
Your body and mind
Your spirit too
Peace you will find
I wish for you

My flowers are growing in the rain
Just as I am growing with my tears
As my tears run down my cheeks and chin
I see clearer the horror of all those years
Those years of doing whatever you said
And what you said I had to do
Anything I wanted or was just for me
I had to hide and keep the shame inside
But it wasn’t shameful what I did
It was me survivin’ being a kid
Being hurt over and over by men’s abuse
What they did to me there is no excuse
I was used by all the men in my life
They were nice to me but they had no right
They hurt me over and over and over again
Now I’m the one feeling the torment and pain.

I wanted to scream at the top of my voice
Leave me along – Don’t do it again
I won’t say nothing – just leave me alone
Well now I am saying – Get out of my home
Get out of my body – Get out of my sight
Get out of my life – Give me back my nigiht
The nights that were robbed from me and my sleep
The nightmares and terror that is oh so deep
I know it’s time for me to embrace
Myself, my body and keep it safe.

Healing thru and thru
Is what I’ve got to do
When one thing comes up
It all comes thru
The pain that’s buried
So deep inside
My heart is breaking
And I can’t hide
Behind a mask
Of sweetness and light
When it’s dark in there
What happened at night
I was laying there
Sleeping in my bed
Dreams of sweetness
Were in my head
You shattered my sweetness
You robbed me blind
Now I’ve been searching
For all this time
To find me within
The sorrow and pain
Please please listen
I’m begging again.

Listen to me please
My heart sings
Put me above
Over everything
My work, my glory
My wanting to be loved
I don’t fear God
Even if he is above
God didn’t do
All this shit to me
If there is a God
He’d want me to be free
Free of the chains
Binding my body oh so tight
I tried to hold it so still
In the dark of night
Somebody please listen
It hurts inside
Feels like I am dying
The tears they slide
Down my nose
And off of my chin
Maybe they’ll wash away
The pain within
My body won’t feel
Like it’s so dead
Wonder what it will feel
When it’s living instead
Of being hurt and bruised.

I walked around everyday wondering if the feminine and masculine in me were converging or was I reclaiming part of my soul from the Universe. Someone thought it was past life experiences surfacing. I wondered if it was universal energy merging with mine to unblock the blocked energy centres. Was it helping my body release memories as I was walking around disoriented and vibrating with unlocked emotions. I felt like I didn’t need an anger room anymore. I wanted a mother.

I know the answers
Are inside of me
I know I’m close
To really being free
So take my time
Let my mind allow
The hurt, the horror
The terror to come out
What will work this time
I’ve tried a million things
Not quite a million
Couldn’t be wrong I sing
I don’t care if I’m wrong
Don’t have to be right
It wasn’t me who abused me
Abused me at night
Who stole my body
My sexuality
I’m tired of this
I want to be free
This is fucking exhausting
Living like this
Trying to be there for my kids
Not wanting to miss
What you’re trying to say
And not work so hard
But it’s always like
Being on my guard
That someone will get me
I don’t know who
My chest feels like exploding
From what they did
TO YOU

Warren dropped all his morning classes. Rule in our house these days – Take care of yourself first and respect each other as much as you can while doing it.

My chest’s in pain
My hearts going to break
I need to get it out
For my kid’s sake
If someone listens to me
I can listen to them
Here me out
It’s like I am ten
The screamings inside
get it out of me
Give it to them
And set myself free
Who cares enough
To let me in
To hear me out 
Again and Again
I need to say the same thing
More than once
To get rid of it all
It hurts so much
Where can I scream
My anger and pain
Who I tell
About the shame.

Hemorroids appear at 4am. Louise Hay’s book “Fear of deadlines, past anger, afraid to let go, feeling burdened” and the affirmation to go with it, “I release all that is unlike love. There is time and space for everything I want to do.”

I know everything
I don’t know anything
She has everything
I have nothing
I want a chance
The chance denied me
To see life more
Than in black and white
I know it all
I know nothing
Why do I always
Have to be right
The lump in my throat
prevents me from speaking
All that I know that was done to me
My eyes are open but I’m not seeing
Just feeling the pain that’s inside of me
Why can’t it end; I’m tired and broken
I’m sick of the strain of holding it in
My body weeps as it was a token
My girl inside speaks from within
I did my best to fit in and be someone
I tried so hard that part of me died
The natural creative fun loving woman
Is trying to escape, escape from inside
Dancing and singing, playing and jumping
Swimming and skiing, fun in the sun
All these things will be mine for the asking
If my girl learns to walk; then she can run
Right now I’m little and hurting all over
I need attention, some energy and love
I want a mommy and a daddy
To care for me when I wake up
I’m tired and spent; want to sleep and be free
I know my dreams will sort it out for me.

I had completed a collage; a charred face was all I could see; Knew what and who the charred face was; my sister, Dorothy cremated; burned alive; HER SOUL WAS NOT AT PEACE. It was hurt and bruised just as mine is now.

I want to let the burning – no – the scalding bitterness out.
Release, release, release
I ask my body to release the pain it is holding
Relax, relax, relax
Breathe, breathe, breathe
As if my body is tearing apart from the inside out
that any minute
the inside will explode
and there’ll be nothing left but bloody pieces laying around
Bitter as if salt is being forced into an open wound
Honour the hurting, feel the pain
My body is coming alive again
If this is living, please say it won’t always be this bad.
Bulging out of me
So much shit held inside.

I looked in the mirror
and I changed
That girl was hurt
by someone
Her eyes are puffy
As if she’s been crying
Crying all night
My heart is pounding
And I can’t breathe
My lower back is in pain
As if I’m giving birth
Images of growing up
A basement and a bed
My back it feels like it’s breaking
The pain is shooting in my head
My stomach – as if it’s distending
Knotting up
Wanting to release
The pain that all along it’s been carrying
For him, For him, For him if you please.

I need to cry
Cry out the pain
Give it back to him
And then I will gain
My freedom back
Independence too
I’ll sleep again
And not be a fool
I won’t take every
One at their word
I won’t always
Work so hard
I won’t need a mask
To hide behind
I will know who is kind
I’ll be there always
Always for you
I’ll play music
When you are blue
I will take care of kids
And do all the rest
I’m really trying
To do my best
Deep inside
I can only cry
I’m so tired
I want to die
I am hurting
In endless pain
Give me back
My sunshine again
I want to smell the flower
Walk in the rain
Dream of someday
Going on a train
Breath of life
Come back to me
Keep me safe
And I will see
What when where
Did these things
That make me cry

Brain saved me
From unending pain
He was the oldest
Overworked and
Undercared
And everything
We had to share
Take care of kids
And do all the rest
Who touched my breast
I wish he would have
Left me alone
So in my body
I’d feel at home
Instead of cut off
And never knowing
Just what I feel
Darkness descends
Pain moves around
In my body
I don’t make a sound
Her arms wrapped so tight
Knows she’s too little
To put up a fight
We’re all connected
Soon we will be
Singing and feeling
I want us to know
That there’ll be time
But if you can’t wait
It’ll still be just fine.

I didn’t have a chance
To be loved for myself
To play like a girl
A boy or an elf
I wanted love
Love and attention
Someone for me
Who wouldn’t mention
What they needed
For themself
Love, love
Love was denied me
Now I’m finding it
Within and without
I’m surrounding myself
With love and attention
So all of my truth
Can let itself out
Thanks for listening
Listening to me
I know it’s not over
There’s pain in my neck
Please please just listen
I’m not finished singing yet.

I was orphaned
Before I was 10
Wish I knew then
What I know now
About men
It was then
The 2nd round
of hurting began
Soon I learned
Be tough
Like a man
What I learned
Those years
Going round
Take it all
Fake it all
And don’t make a sound
I thought
I could count on
What I had had
Someone who had taken
The place of
My Dad
But he betrayed
The trust
I placed in him
When he abused me
When the lights
Were so dim
He abused me
In the dark
Of the night
He’s another
Who stole from me
My sight
My ability to see
Beauty
In the world
It ended
My wanting
To be a girl
Well now I want
Beauty in my life
And I’ll be my own
Best wife
I’ll sleep with this all
Behind me
I’ll be safe as safe
As I can be
In a world so full
Of pain and strife
I won’t have the pain
Like a knife
That cut up
My heart and my soul
Living today
Will be my goal
Thank you for listening
To Me
Your listening
Helped Me to see
That I have a reason to cry.

Went to the Aids quilt display. Wrote in my journal. Saskatchewan has aids. How true. Cried when I read what a little girl wrote to her brother who had died.

My body
Is now telling me
Crying and singing
Will get all
The guck out of me
The tears falling down
Seem to say
Grieving will
Show me the way.

Had full fledged days and days of reliving the death of my sister, the night of her death, the planning of the funeral; the funeral; and couldn’t remember her while she was alive.

My body is totally exhausted.
Trauma is what is has been experiencing for months.
I am in a panic to be by myself
To take care of me
Have no demands
But life isn’t like that
With all its demands
It expects a response
From all of its hands
All I can do
Is take care of myself
As I am surviving
And finding myself
Myself that was taken
By powerful men
To them a message
I’d like to send
You may have had power
Power in words
But underneath
You were weak little nerds
You took what you wanted
With no thought but yourself
No thought for me
Or anyone else
I am reliving
The days and nights
None of it easy
Not a pretty sight
Sad, isn’t it.

I walk out of my house, thinking about spineless men and write in my journal. “Even the coffee tasted bitter this morning. Thinking about my charm bracelet; I bought it when I met my ex-husband. How fucking symbolic – put a chain on – if I only knew I’d be chained for 15 years. Well, I’m not no more.” I left that night for Lloydminster and the songs kept coming.

On a summer’s day
When I took time out for me
I walked alone
Through the trees and hills
Past a lake where ducks and geese were still
I was alone. I was silent.

I needed you to give up time for me
So you could finally hear
What needed to be said
What’s been stored inside my head
All the hate and hurt and horror that I bore
I was alone. I was silent.

Please listen, don’t leave me again
I need someone to listen to my pain
I don’t ever want to be alone again
I was alone. I was silent.

I’m here for you. I’ll never leave again
I will listen to everything you say
I’ll let you cry and sing you lullabies
And help you sleep again
You can scream. You can cry
And I’ll be there for you
I’ll never let you down
I’ll care for you.

It would be easier
If I knew what I was dealing with
I feel so bad, I feel so sad
The tears they want to come
It doesn’t matter if there is a sun
I deserved better than I got
I was hurt beyond recognition

I needed love
More than anything in the world
It mattered – just because I was a girl
You could do anything to me
Can’t you see
You hurt my heart
You cared nothing for me
For my feelings or my sanity
I was alone. I was silent.

I lost my voice for over a month. Couldn’t speak except make a rasping sound but I could sing these songs in a small, what some people called an angelic voice that I didn’t recognize.

There’s pain in my neck
Like a bullet went thru
Pain in my face and my jaw
Pain I couldn’t allow
Pain that hurts so deep inside
Pain I’m no longer trying to hide
Pain I will allow
It’s torn me up and kep me apart
And never made a sound
Well now it’s screaming in my ear
Hear me out
Hear me out
What are you trying to say to me
What am I willing to hear
All that I have loved and lost
I need to cry a million tears
I need the time to let it all out
All the hurt and horror I’ve bore
But also the hurt and horror I’ve seen
It’s ripped me right to the core.
I’ve found a way to say what I need
What’s been screaming in my head
A way that people won’t be afraid of me
And wish that I were dead.
It’s all locked up inside of me
On the right side of my brain
I’ve turned the key
Unlocked the door
I’m breaking all the chains
Help me to sing out all my truth
And never never let it be said
That noone cared enough for you
You’d be better off being dead
I’m having trouble to understand
What’s really happening here
I want to put myself first
I will if it takes another year.
I’ll take 5 or 10, twenty-two
I’ll take the rest of my life
I’ll make it all up to you
What you’ve been missing in this life
My head is better the slicing pain is gone
I still feel old beyond my years
My head it hurts and now it’s back
The pain behind my ears
I have so much to give to you
That noone else I know can
I’ll never leave you all alone
You won’t be hurt by a man
I can’t guarantee that in this world
But I’ll try to keep you safe
Come with me, you’ll always be
My angel of night by the lake.

I was having tea at Dairy Queen and the following song was written on a napkin.

My body mind and spirit
Are coming together
Whether I am ready
Ready or not
Making sense of my life
For me
For me, For all three
For all of me
Is being set free
It’s crashing around
Without a sound
My body’s taken a beating
My spirit it was sleeping
My mind was screaming
For all three

I hurt so bad
I didn’t have my smokes to protect me
I was alone; sleeping by the window
I didn’t touch anyone but someone touched me
What a creep What a fucking creep

There he was
He didn’t touch my mother
He didn’t touch my brother
He didn’t touch anyone but me
I was alone. It hurt so bad

I stood there
My back against the wall
Seeing him touch my sisters
He didn’t touch my mother
He didn’t touch my father
He never touched me
I was alone I was silent

I was too little
To know what was going on
I didn’t have anyone to tell
If I did, all they’d do is yell
And all the blame
Would be put righ t back on me
I was alone I was silen.
The terror
It creeps up my insides
Everything is connected
To what has gone before
When he drove into the yard
And knocked upon the door
We had to go
We had no choice

It saddens me
How society has gone wrong
How said it is the horror’s in the songs
It doesn’t seem to say enough
Of what it’s really like inside
How I’m trying to be tough
Just to get through
Just to get through

I’ve waited so long for you to hear me
Hear me tell you what is wrong
I needed someone to hold me and rock me
And when I was hurt to sing me a song
I was hurt over and over
I am weeping deep inside
I need someone to give me flowers
I need someone who won’t hide
From the truth that needs to be spoken
Someone who’ll put me first in their life
I need more than the words that are spoken
I need someone to hold me tight
Why can’t I cry out the pain in my head
I’m no longer hiding under my bed
I’ve raised the covers and seen the light
I want to claim it, it is my right.

Keep hanging on, it won’t always be this rough
It can be easy,, it doesn’t have to be tough
I have a lot of people pulling for me
Soon if we stay together, we will all see
We’re not alone, We are crying
It’s ok to cry
We’ll never be alone again
I am keeping up and slowing down
and coming to terms again
With all the hell and horror we’ve been in
We’re not alone, We have one another.

I’m lead, lead, lead
Home, home, home
On my own
By us
We’re new
Mommy
Come see

My child of the night
If I listen to her
Has all the answers
Of what my life’s been like
I will listen
Listen to her
Accept that that’s
What it really was like
It’s so hard
Don’t want to believe all the images
Flashing inside my brain
About the sex, the abuse, the drinking
All my life; I’ll have to reframe
I’m going to have to take it real easy
Try to rest and relax all day
Cause all night long
Lying awake with new images
Is all about work
And not about play
There was someone inside
who was scared I was making
Making it worse than it really was
But now I know that noone can imagine
The truth of how bad it really was
It’s going to take a while to sort out
To put all the pieces in place
I’m totally exhausted
It’s like reliving
All the things I had to erase
My heart is aching that I had to go thru this
My head is pounding again
There’s much inside that’s trying to resurface
I’ll take it slow, I know I will gain
Gain a better perspective on all that has happened
Happened to me in my life
I don’t have to care what others are thinking
I know the truth in and outside
The tears haven’t come
They’re all within
The old Ellen has them stored so tight
It’s what got us thru 40 years of living
I can’t change it all in just one night.

I know this is the beginning of something big
Something so big to do with the light
I just have to listen, be there and listen
Listen to my child, my angel of light
My angel of light, she’s always been silent
My angel of night, she never cried
My angel of night whose been scared forever
It’s never been safe for her outside
I will protect myself from others
Others who laugh when somebody cries
From people who can’t see the needs of another
People whose heart inside them has died
I’m coming home, home to another
One who knows about heartbreak and pain
I’ll give up the one who impresses others
Who covers up the hurt and the shame
Soon we will sleep, sleep with each other
Terror and fear will be a thing of the past
I’ll do my best to keep our lives simple
Peace and contentment, I hope it will last
I have a hard time trusting others
I have a hard time trusting myself
The best things I can do for me is
Put myself above all else. 28 songs in 18 days

All of my body, mind and spirit
Needs a holiday and a rest
Maybe that’s my first big test
Whether I can give it a rest
Treat myself to the very best

I wish for you everyday
That all your wishes do come true
Wishes that long ago you dream
And are stored inside of you
May all those wishes and those dreams
Of sunshine, laughter and lots of love
Be part of your life again
You deserve it just because
You are you and you’re okay
You’re okay and you always were
You’re more than okay, you’re special too
Special and deserving of what’s coming to you
Of happiness beyond your dreams
Your spirit at peace and rest
Your body and mind having lots of fun
And that this day is the best.

My angel of night is no longer silent
My angel of night is crying her pain
My angel of night is still scared of others
She’s learning to trust as I help her reframe
It wasn’t her fault that man in black got her
He did what he wanted and made her cry
It wasn’t her fault that nobody listened
It wasn’t her fault that she started to lie
It wasn’t her job to take care of the kids
To do all the work, be too tired to play
And when the man in black hurt her sisters
It wasn’t her fault she couldn’t say
Put them down and leave them alone
Get out of here, Get out of our home
I don’t want you, you and your kind
To mess up my body, mess up my mind
With words of hell, the devil and fire
No wonder I was scared I was a liar
The devil would get me if I went to sleep
I tried to be good, prayed myself to sleep
Praying didn’t change a thing for me
I tried it in every way I knew
I looked for answers outside myself
It’s taken so long to feel brand new
New and innocent pure and clean
Free of the shit to do with the past
Free of the shit to do with the church
The pope, teachings, the scams, McGrath
Free of the shit but still connected
To the beauty and joy that I have seen.

Where do I go from here
The answers are few
So much for the feeling
Feeling brand new
I’ve waited so long
For answers of why
Now I’m wondering
Where do we go when we die
I always thought
just as soon as we’re dead
We’d rise on up
And live with God instead
Of working real hard
Doing good in our life
So I’d fulfill the promise
Of eternal life
Now I don’t know
Nothing makes sense
Can I live with that
I don’t have patience
Day after day
What am I supposed to do
Get on with my life
And take care of you
As I cuddle my children
Close to my breast
I can breathe easy
Start having a rest
Enjoy each moment
of every day
Live each moment
to the fullest I say.

Ironic: this last song was to the tune of “Amanda” where the last line talks about the woman should have been a gentleman’s wife.

Collage. – Planning the transition between ending of the book, being a survivor and the rest of my life. Book started out that the world might know what a survivor goes thru when getting memories back but it’s like inside children, mind, body, and spirit, telling it. Inside is asking me to change my life; let go. I have probed the roots; there is little left to discover down there; lots to discover in the world. I am moving from the lonely, trapped rooms of myself into the light – a spiritual experience of magnificent proportion. Life is all about people reaching people. The kids and I have a lot of guts. Our family of choice has a lot of guts. My family of origin is a family with lots of guts. All of us have gone from ice to ice melting to enjoying the splashing of the waves of life.

Life can be easy
Doesn’t have to be tough
If I know when to say
Enough is enough
If I always listen
Before I speak
Listen inside
Then I can speak
The truth I know
Inside of me
That’s always been striving
To be set free
I’m ready to listen
I’m ready to sing
Ready for whatever
Each day bring
And what will I do
When my works all done
Maybe it’s time
To sit in the sun
To take care of me
My kids and my house
I don’t have to worry
About anyone else.

JUNE 12/96

Would have been Granny’s birthday today. Wonder how often she was silent. I have a big part of her in me too – work hard, be okay being alone, faith in a bigger picture – be part of the world but not really involved in it – love of reading; of what’s going on in the world but also the blind side; say nothing side; doesn’t affect me side; go into shock side; do the everyday, ordinary things to work thru the sick side – concern about others in the world; far away others but couldn’t connect with people closest to her on a feeling emotional level – married a man way older than her; was he an alcoholic; she did all the work; to make a home; a yard; a family; but blind to all the horror going on; not blind; could not face it so said nothing. If she would have faced it she would have had to make a choice. I met a man much older than me; alcohol was apart of his life. He had kids; his hurt and pain were more important than his kids were. Other people tried to warm me but I was blind to the truth; He said all the right words; I thought we dreamed the same dreams. I had had NOONE all my life. He needed me. I thought that translated into; here was someone for me. It didn’t. His work, his friends, alcohol, his obsessions with sex; himself came before me; came before his kids. I helped him out and helped him the 2 years we dated; trying to make his life better; be there for his kids; planning a fairytale future for us together. I took care of all his problems, and thought life would be wonderful any day now. I thought that for 17 years. I did all the work to make a home for us, for our family of 4 children and I did that as we moved from place to place – 13 times in 17 years. I was there for the kids; doing things with and for the kids. He didn’t. I did the house work; did the yard work. He occasionally made a meal. He ultimately had the final say on everything as I had learned that well growing up – at home and in church – the man is the head of the house. I turned a blind eye to what was really going on. I never spoke directly to him about what I was seeing, feeling or experiencing. Was it safe? I was never sure. It wasn’t safe for me when I was growing up. I didn’t like anything that was happening. It went against everything I believed in. I never – no not never – spoke up. I did sometimes. I was never respected. It never stopped. He never changed – his words; his actions. It’s the little things that are not little that still bother me; his disinterest in the kids; the alcohol use and I never left; the treapassing on people’s properties to steal if the opportunity was there. I was in the car with him; was I the one in the wrong. I lived on hyperalert all the time; was prepared for anything; for everything. His discussing our sex life with his coffee buddies. I told him my hurt. He said I couldn’t take a joke; his racial, sexist and put down jokes in front of me. I never said anything because I believed I couldn’t take a joke; his putting down my friends. I never said anything because after awhile; a few years; I didn’t trust my judgement on anything. I feel like a partner in abuse. It affects many things I do today. I want to leave it behind me; get it out of me; that I am where I am in my life; because it’s my fault; because I didn’t say anything; because I didn’t speak out. I didn’t do it. I am responsible for what I did. I did not speak because it wasn’t safe for me to speak. There were always repercussions if I did speak. If I spoke, I’d have to face the consequences. I f I would have spoke during those 17 years, I would have had to make a choice. I wasn’t ready to make that choice. I spoke 4 years ago, for what felt like the first time. I kept speaking. It never changed anything. I made a choice 3 ½ years ago. I got out of my marriage. I chose my kids over him. A year later; divorcing; I chose myself over him. Until today, I have felt tied to him; still a partner; a partner in something sordid. I no longer feel like his partner. I was never a partner to what he did. He did those things. He chose to do them. I did what I had to do. I chose to do what I had to do to survive. I am okay with it. I brought a lot of past abuse; horror from my growing up from my childhood into my marriage. Until I learned different; I raised my children as I had been raised. I hurt my children. I abused my children emotionally by being the ultimate authority on everything. That is not respecting them. I learned well. I am sorry there were times I wasn’t there for them. I am glad I have talked to them about it and if there is a way I can make it up to them, I am willing to hear it.

Angel inside
Innocent me
Here for Joy
Beauty to see
All night long
And every day
I’ll think of you first
Let you have your say
I’ll listen to you
I know I will find
Peace in my body
Spirit and mind
Angel inside
Innocent me
Here for joy
Beauty to see

June 16, 1996 Father’s day
Dear Father McGrath
It is Father’s Day. This is the last time I will call you Father. Although I looked to you as a Father, you were not a Father to me. You hurt me. You gave me nothing but hurt. When I confronted you about what you did to me, I appreciate that you say, “Yes, I did, Yes, I admit it.” When I described what you did to me; sexually abusing me, you said, “I’m sorry but I didn’t” Maybe I did not let you finish what you were going to say. What I would have like to hear from you is I’m sorry I hurt you. None of it was your fault. It should never have happened. I will do what ever I can to make it up to you for hurting you. I would like to hear that. I know I may never hear it. I will leave that up to you. I know I need to write a letter to my Dad – my father – an open letter of flexibility – telling of not only the hurt I’ve experienced because of him but also the wonderful – the good – the love and that I’d like to hear the words – I’m sorry for the hurt but if I don’t I will live with that.

Hemmoroids were gone after I wrote that.

My angel of night is no longer crying
My angel of night is crying her pain
My angel of night still cares for others
In so many ways, I’m still the same
In so many ways, I’m new and I’m different
In so many ways I’m still the same
I’ve accepted myself that I’m who I used to be
That we are one and the same
I’m okay with myself in front of others
Whether they’re from my present or past
I’m close to being a peace in the present
And just as close to peace in my past
I’ve learned so much being a mother
I’ve learned so much about myself
I’ve learned to accept I’ve made mistakes
And that it’s important to communicate
It’s important to be able to face the truth
The truth about when I’m in the wrong
To be able to say, I’m sorry, It wasn’t your fault
That you were right and I was wrong
It’s important to say I’ll make it up to you
I’ll do the best whatever I can
But also to be able to speak my truth
To say what I need to say to a man
It scares me to think of meeting someone
Would I know the right words to say
I know if I trust my wisdom within
I can go out and enjoy night or day
I like who I am – who I am right now
I like who I was from the day I was born
And all the survival skills that I’ve learned
I want to be excited about the coming morn —-ing
I’m looking forward to life.