I searched and I searched and I finally found the man I was looking for
The man of my dreams – me
Me who treats me with respect,
Who takes care of me; who has compassion for me
Who takes care of me
Who will be there no matter what I say or do
or how I act or what I have to face
The truth that’s coming clearer that until now I couldn’t bear to face
that I was who I was or that I did what I did
but I did those things because I was surviving being a kid
A kid who was hurt over and over again
I was hurt over and over again by words, by actions
and by inactions; by no one being there for me
No one taking my side; so many hating me
Felt like everyone hated me; felt like I had nothing; like I was nothing;
like I wasn’t worth anything.
I sat in church and prayed and prayed
I developed a part that others saw as good
so I developed that part and got lots of recognition
but I also sat in bars and drank a lot
falling down drunk and think I can jump a fence when I’m drunk
And sprained my ankle drunk and then I lied
And people felt sorry for me and I lied to Mom about where I was
and what I was doing
going to bars on school nights but I was going with my teachers
What wonderful teachers I had
A priest who abused children
Teachers who were having affairs
Teachers who took me to bars
A father I was afraid to talk to and a mother who was afraid of her husband
The only one I have compassion for is my mother because she had so many kids like I did but she had that many because the church; the priests; the pope ruled her life
telling her she couldn’t use birth control.
1996
ellensagh 